"I'm a guy" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Your daily Omari...

While I’ve got some great friends, I think some of them might be conspiring to turn me into a metrosexual. While I probably have some metrosexual proclivities, I certainly won’t appear to you on the street as one. You’ll see me bopping around on my morning commute, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, plugged into my iPod. Hardly metrosexual. And I only use hair gel because I’ve got 3, count them, 3 cowlicks on my head. Anyway, back to the conspiracy.

I think some of my friends might be conspiring to turn me into a full-on metrosexual. For instance, in years past as birthday gifts I’ve received Lab Series for Men facial scrubs, some peel off masks, and this year: an Earth Therapeutics herbal gel mask. You can chill it in the fridge, wear it, and it relieves eye puffiness. I’m not sure why I would even care. I’m a guy.

I actually enjoy the peel off mask. I sort of feel like Christian Bale playing proto-metrosexual Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho.” Here I am standing in front of my bathroom mirror peeling off my mask, with a soulless, modern-day monster look on my face. The only difference probably being that his apartment is a lot nicer than mine. Oh, I also don’t kill people.

Anyway, in the grand old tradition of crack dealers, my Earth Therapeutics herbal gel mask came with a free bonus Hydrogel under-eye recovery patch. A sample. Of course not enough for my under-eye area to completely recover, but just enough to get me hooked. And how much is this habit? The patches suggested retail is $8 a patch. Granted, a lot cheaper than crack, but still I find it offensive that these corporations try to sink their hooks into you and get you addicted to their product.

You know what though? The mask actually does relieve eye puffiness. Not that I care. I’m a guy.