"Italian Cuisine" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Your daily OMARI...brought to you by Pop-Tarts®: “Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts, you can freeze them, then eat them.”

I was just now having a conversation with a friend about disembodied penises. She had just put up a CL ad and had mentioned some “dick pics” that she had received. I have never sent a single “dick pic” to anyone and don’t understand the motivation some men feel to do so. It must be some sort of compulsion as it seems, at least to me, beyond the normal bounds of civilized society. But for some reason it got me to thinking about one of my fantasies.

Ok, so my fantasy. I come home from the office and girlfriend is wearing nothing but an apron around her waist. She brings me a drink and then, bending over, goes to check out how supper is doing in the oven. OK, so it is not such a pro-feminist fantasy, but considering I do almost all of the cooking, it is nice that she does it once for a change. And I can relax and have my drink and watch a mostly naked woman prepare dinner.

Yes, I am one of those types. In any relationship I've ever been in I own the kitchen and do most of the cooking. Generally I’m telling someone to “get the fuck out of MY kitchen.” Probably just like your mom used to tell your dad. I’ve always enjoyed cooking and my specialty is Italian or Mediterranean cuisine. I make my sauces from scratch and make a rather mean raw tomato pasta sauce with olive oil, garlic, and kalamata olives. I also can throw together a mean dish of breaded and fried chicken breast that is then marinated in vinegar, onions, zucchini, cinnamon, and other secret spices. I like to cook.

Anyway, it also got me to thinking that it wouldn’t be such a sexy thing for me to return the favor. I work out but I could stand to tone up a little. And don’t think me bending over to check on supper would be such a pretty picture either, my skinny and hairy ass sticking out, testicles in plain view. Eek. The mental image gives me shivers. Although whatever it was I cooked for you would taste fantastic. I just don’t know if you’d retain your appetite.

So, wanna come over for dinner?