"Wieners" by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

OMARI! on the Silver Spring Express. Woo Hoo.

To date, I have not typed a single line on a topic of importance to some 30 million American men, including about half of all men aged 40 to 70 years: erectile dysfunction or ED. ED of course is the inability for a man to achieve or maintain an erection adequate to perform sexual intercourse. Mr. Banana Hammock has never encountered this problem, but it worries me some as I draw closer and closer to my 40th birthday.

For those of you who are unaware of the physiology behind erections, or perhaps have never seen an erection, since most of the women on this message board are single and virgins, undoubtedly “waiting for marriage,” when a man is sexually excited, the arteries in wiener relax and widen. This allows more blood to flow into the wiener. The increased blood flow causes the wiener to become hard and erect. The veins that normally carry blood away from the wiener then become compressed. This restricts the blood flow out of the wiener. With more blood flowing in and less flowing out, the wiener enlarges, resulting in an erection.

I’ve seen a lot of movies in my day, and one thing that I’ve noticed is that wieners in R-rated movies are flaccid (or the actor suffers from erectile dysfunction I suppose). I’ve heard tell that there are plenty of hard ones in “blue” movies, which I of course don’t watch. The movie that I am thinking about is “Revenge of the Cheerleaders.”

“Revenge of the Cheerleaders” stars a young David Hasselhoff in the role of his career, Boner. The movie tells the tale of a fictitious Aloha High School and the problem it faces regarding a possible forced merger with Lincoln, which is a "vocational" High School, not nearly as uppity as Aloha. The Aloha High Cheerleaders are not down with the possibility of the merger and plan to stop it from happening at any cost. Especially if the cost is friggin' every wiener in town! But most of the sexual activity involves the guys on their own basketball team, Boner included, the star center of the team. The young Haselhoff displays many of his talents including a fantastic dance number and another of the “full frontal” variety.

Perhaps the erect wiener in movies was seen as a threatening menace and therefore not allowed in R-rated movies. With the rise of feminism, the wiener was no longer seen as a gift from god, but a thing to be feared. It was no longer a mechanism to be pondered, nor the giver of life and civilization, but rather a menacing threat to womanhood. Especially the erect kind, a reminder of violence. A social enforcer of male dominance and heteronormativity.

From his website biography I found out that David Hasselhoff is not only a Baltimore native, but is also one of the most recognized faces on television throughout the world and was named one of "TV's Ten Most Powerful Stars" by TV Guide, and "Most Watched TV Star" by the Guinness Book of World Records. And whether he’s Michael Knight in TV’s “Knight Rider” or Mitch Buchannon in TV’s “Baywatch,” “Baywatch: Panic at Malibu Pier,” “Baywatch: River of No Return,” or "Baywatch Nights," Mr. Hasselhoff is playing that hairy-chest, wiener-wielding Alpha Male that feminists find so threatening.

I think I need a vacation.



He gets letters:

"Lol. I like that. It pissed me off in some parts,but the rest, I laughed very hard. I am sorry this is a concern of yours. I had an ex-boyfriend with ED, and he was only 28. He didn't admit he had a problem, and he made it up in other ways. :o) I am sure, if this becomes a problem, you look like the kind of guy who could easily still satisfy a women."

"would love to suck on your cock ..........."