Tired of the Anal-Expulsive New Age milquetoasts of craigslist?

Chilly morning, but I don’t mind. I’m in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. The Orange line from Farragut West to Dunn Loring wasn’t too crowded so I was able to give the lovelies a Front Double Biceps and Front Lat Spread combo, a flex wink point with a trigger finger, and left myself open to the possibility that some may want a charcoal rubbing of my abs. If they don’t have charcoal or paper, they know they can simply touch. Just ask. A few do. One wants to run her hands over my rock hard pecs. Another wants to squeeze my glutes. Sorry honey, you can try to squeeze them, but there just isn’t that much give in ‘em. I worry about the pinchers though. With the Iberian Bodybuilding championships coming up, I cannot afford any bruising.

I’ve not only been hitting the gym hard, I’ve been hitting the tanning salons equally as hard, mostly because of the chilly weather. How to get the perfect bodybuilding tan you ask? Not as easy as you think. Let me walk you through the routine:

Normally, I tan naked outside. I wouldn’t recommend this for most people. Their bodies aren’t nearly as nice as mine and they will get arrested for indecent exposure. So for those of you less than flawless, you have to find a stand up bed so your armpits and butt crease get tan as well as the normal parts. Next, when lying down tanning you have to hold your package out of the way at least every other time to eliminate that nice white spot on your front side. I use two hands. The rest probably only need to use one.

That’s about it, except for the pre-pose self-tan applications and that routine which is necessary for the contests, as well as the application of PAM® to give you that nice sheen. I’ll spare you the details.

Me, you ask? Muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance. Glutes you can bounce quarters off. The perfect tan. And if you tired of the Anal-Expulsive New Age milquetoasts of craigslist, you know where to write.