SEARCHING FOR A HAREM OF CL LOVELIES FOR REAL

I’m sitting here at my keyboard digesting my lunch. Panda-burger with cheddar. No bun. Listening to Jill Sobule. Her voice soothes my general sense of ennui. I’m in my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Blue chinchilla jacket to ward off the cold. Brown Jean LaFont frames with orange tinted glasses to better stalk my prey.

An early morning meeting near Washington Circle found me walking up toward the red line at Dupont. As I pass a lovely, I notice her noticing me -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance, mental focus, dignity, flair, humility. I am though cautious as Bel Biv DeVoe wisely teaches us to never trust a big butt and smile. The lovely could be poison. And poison is the last thing this body needs, with the Bali Jute Mill Bodybuilding Invitational coming up. No. I must stick to a strict regimen of high-protein endangered species and my SuperFreak Workout for Juiced-Up Psychos. Also, handfuls of PUMP TECH™ washed down with ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and shots of Goldschlager should get my body in top physical form.

I give the red line lovelies at Dupont Circle a couple of poses as I ride to Metro Center then hop the Orange line to Dunn Loring. I head for the gym. Put on my extra large lime green banana hammock, first slathering on the bikini bite to keep everything in place. I get to work. Preacher Reverse Curl, Seated Concentration Curl, Crossover Chest Fly, Pullover Crunch. Done, I hit the shower. I air dry. My body glistens as I practice my pose downs in the mirror – a body that makes women ache. Ache just like a woman.

Me? Girl bands. Low carb diets. Recognizing that women with big butts can be poison (from experience). Looking good. Making women ache. That is what I am about. And if the “SEARCHING FOR A WIFE FOR REAL” guy sends shudders down your spine, then we’re riding the same wave.