My glutes can bend rebar into more than just origami swan shapes

Another chilly morning. I’m on the Orange line from Farragut West to Dunn Loring. Lovelies abound this morning. I’m in my dark green Armani suit and green shirt. The arms of both are ripped off to accommodate my ever-expanding biceps. All I can say is, “thank you PUMP TECH™!” This product has also increased my vascular response, has created serious muscle pumps, and jacked up my nitric oxide levels. I have the most outrageous pumps now more than ever.

I’m practicing my pose downs on the platform waiting for the train, periodically flexing, winking, and pointing with a trigger finger to some of the nearby lovelies, my head bobbing in rhythm to music only I can hear. Much swooning results from my display. They are dazzled as they take it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance, mental focus. The train arrives and is crowded. I’m reading my Atlantic. Hands running up and down my washboard abs and kneading my rock hard glutes. A beautiful freckled blonde asks me to bend something for her with a piece of iron rebar that she has along with her, having heard that my glutes can bend iron rebar into origami swan shapes. A gallery in Dupont wants to show my unique butt sculptures, what they call them anyway, so I’ve been practicing folding more difficult animals. I bend her a lioness. She gets off at Rosslyn before I can get a number.

As I type this missive, my thick gold bracelet is clanging on my keyboard. I’m eating leftovers from last night. General Tso’s Macaque from the organic Chinese place in Woodley Park. They deliver. And their Macaque is the best in town. I need to get back to work as I am the keystone in this multinational corporation. Without me the whole place falls to the ground. And if you would like a private viewing of my unique butt sculptures, drop me a line. I can also do a leaping buck.