It is sooooo hard getting to work by myself

Biter? Ouch? I cannot tell...


It was hot as hell this morning. Anyway, after a cold shower I’m air drying in the kitchen of my Adams Morgan compound. CNN is blaring in the background and I am eating a breakfast specially designed for my nutritional and bodybuilding needs: Golfina huevos rancheros (the eggs I had flown in from their nesting grounds on Playa Escobilla this spring), Koala sausages, and breakfast wine from Spain. Dry, I slip into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. Black frame Jean LaFont glasses to better stalk my prey. I head for the red line from Woodley Park to Judiciary Square.

Metro is packed this morning so I give the train a Front Double Biceps, Back Lat Spread, Front Abdominal-Thigh Isolation on the platform before boarding. There are too many gorgeous DC women to give them all individualized attention. I flex wink point with a trigger finger to all of them. Many blush and someone with small hands is squeezing as best she can my rock hard glutes. My head bobbing to the sound of music only I can hear. A classy blonde asks me to bend a piece of iron rebar she brought along with her this morning into an origami animal shape. Using my glutes. “Swan,” she says. I say, “Swan is too easy. How about ‘leaping stag?’” She swoons when I deliver the goods.

Before heading up to the office, I hit the gym. I change into my tangerine banana hammock, apply some bikini bite, and get started. Preacher Reverse Curl, Seated Concentration Curl, Crossover Chest Fly, Pullover Crunch. Done, I hit the shower. I air dry. My body glistens as I practice my posedowns in the mirror -- total fitness and power, ripped definition, stamina, intensity, mental focus, dignity.

Me you ask? Air drying. Eating endangered species. Bending iron rebar into origami swan shapes with my ass. Playing Frisbee with other people. That is what I am about. And if you can handle my superior version of man on woman sensuality, drop me a line.

He gets letters:

"i'm wondering, adams morgan funnyman, if you ever actually go out with anyone you meet on here. or are you just making us laugh out of the goodness of your heart?"