10 Inches of Max Thrust

I’m Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition. My suit? Corneliani Couture ($8750). Shirt? Tino Cosma ($365). Tie and pocket square? Zanella ($320 and $85 respectively). My belt? Salvatore Ferragamo ($130). I slip on my $16,000 Alviero Martini 1 Classe watch.

As you may have noticed, I’m in all Italian couture today. I feel self-assured, cultivated, refined, discreet, but equally recognizable: free enough to be able to reject clichés and sure enough to embody a personal style that is never predictable. The classic elegance I am projecting goes beyond the definitions of formal wear or sportswear, because it reflects a single taste and sensitivity that I put into the various activities that are part of my life.

Today’s activity was a briefing with the staff of the House Judiciary Committee, something about the Committee wanting to introduce legislation banning barely legal porn. What gives? They may look younger than 18, but that is the point. And anyway, “barely legal” IS legal. Just barely.

After this event I was scheduled to attend a fundraiser/lunch with the Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Don Chalmers, who represents my home state. Anyway, I’m imagining a gossip-fueled meal of steak and martinis at Charlie Palmer, so I tuck a couple of $500 10” Ramon Allones Tubos into my pants pocket. Anybody in this industry will tell you that size does indeed matter. And what’s a steak without a good cigar, anyway?

Anyway, I was up at Rayburn waiting in the security line, and I’m detained by security for carrying a “suspicious item,” whatever that means. I’m then taken aside and frisked by a female police officer. I tell her, “finding anything you like?” and “Yes it’s real...can you handle 10 inches...I’d love to see you wrap your lips around it...would you like to take a puff.” Stuff like that. The security guard, playing hard to go get, hauls me away for questioning.

What gives? I understand that even though the morality policy in DC no longer allow smoking, the ritual of the sucking on a good cigar is key to the whole lobbyist/congressperson bonding experience.

He gets letters:

"I love you. Will you marry me?"