Mr. BananaHammock’s smoky glare can rejuvenate your vagina

Normal posters on craiglist are getting so dull. No material. Drat. Never fear. A friend called attention to a recent article in the Washington Post on vaginal rejuvenation coming to the DC area. Vaginal rejuvenation a la Dr. 90210! I had to write an ad...

Waking up around seven AM this morning in my Adams Morgan compound, I glance up to the mirrors over my bed and take it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance, mental focus, dignity, flair, and humility. I shower. While I am air drying I read the Washington Post and treat myself to a breakfast of Sea Turtle Eggs Benedict with Emperor Penguin bacon. I was it down with a glass of breakfast wine. I put on my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I head out for the Orange Line for my morning commute.

When I hit the platform at Farragut West I notice that I am not alone. Tons of lovelies on the platform. I give them a few poses before the train arrives: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. You can tell they are getting hot. A brown haired woman nearly faints before she can grab for the ceiling of the train. I suspect my pheromones are overpowering her ability to balance. Others react differently. A green-eyed blond starts grinding her ass into my banana hammock and doesn’t stop until she gets off at Foggy Bottom. I give her my smoky glare. No doubt her vagina feels rejuvenated.

After work, I stop in at Tryst, flex for the ladies and grab an iced-double-half-calf-mocha-latte-something-or-another with a shot of baby fur seal Somatotrophin and settle into a big overstuffed couch with this week’s New Yorker Magazine. A woman stops by to talk. She wants to talk about my man on woman sensuality. She’s all, “as being fully functioning and very alive female I have burning sensuality. You might be coming on too strong.” I’m all, “Too strong? I’m toning it down babe.” She doesn’t fully understand. I know that women have their own burning sensualities. I’m not trying to sell a product like my image and style. I’m just trying to let the people know that there is me and there are the New Age milquetoast metrosexual denizens of craigslist. I give her my smoky glare. She says her vagina feels rejuvenated.

Eating exotic and endangered animals. Riding Metro. Vaginal Rejuvenation. That is what I am about. Forget the E! Network’s “Dr. 90210” and his expensive Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation procedure. Mr. BananaHammock’s smoky glare can rejuvenate your vagina for free.

He gets letters:

"Dude....You're a fucking riot. I'm sure your posting will bring you a gazillion responses. I just wanted to take the time to personally thank you for brightening an impossibly dreary day. You should seriously consider writing a Mr. BananaHammock screenplay and trying to sell it. You're hilarious."

"that was funny. it just was ..I know you can't be serious, but you made me smile. good job."