A totally ripped physique that can induce labor

Slow day = Mark Leyner inspired post.

I'm at the office so I'm wearing my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. My chunky gold bracelet keeps clanging on the keyboard as I type. Just back from the gym so my body glistens, my muscles are pumped and totally cut. Abs, delts, biceps, triceps. I flex for the ladies in the cubicles as I make my way back to the office to type this missive.

Last night, I walk into Tryst. I flex for the ladies and grab an ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and Hybolin Decanoate Smoothie, settle into a nice overstuffed sofa, my head bobbing in rhythm to music that only I can hear. I glance to my left. I glance to my right. I’m scanning the joint for ladies that can handle this juggernaut of ecstasy. Spotted in the corner. One special one, I give her my bicep flex swivel-wrist point and wink. I can tell she needs the kind of hot man on woman sensuality that only I can provide.

She’s a hot blonde in a sheer white top and short black skirt. I give my smoky, smoldering, bedroom eyes. I give her my hot, snarly lip curl. I give her my Front Double Biceps and Back Lat Spread combo and then run through my posedown routine. A pregnant woman starts to go into labor but all of my focus is on the hot blonde. I notice the hot blonde is noticing me. She’s taking it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, dignity and flair. She’s blushing. I know what she wants to ask me but she is shy. I approach and tell her that I’d be more than happy to let her do a charcoal rubbing of my abs to remember me by. She has no charcoal. No paper. I tell her that she should probably carry a charcoal pencil and paper with her in the future. Who knows when she might run into me on my morning commute.

After she gratefully takes her memento, I head for the Safeway on the way to my Adams Morgan compound to get something for dinner. I pick up a crudités platter, panda tenderloin, and Ranch Salad kit. I’ll be up late practicing my bedroom eyes.

Looking good. Human growth hormones. Eating exotic animals. A totally ripped physique that can induce labor. That is what I am about. And if you’re tired of those limp noodles posting on craigslist who are all bullshit and no action, you know where to find me. Your pic gets mine.