Forays into Craigslist

Sharing my VD with the lovelies of craigslist

2008-02-14T19:29:00.002-05:00

Happy VD! Or STD or whatever....

My retreat last weekend to my private island hideaway in Pulau Tinggi was just what the doctor ordered. Recharged my batteries and it shows. Relaxed. Even tan all over thanks to my Jan Tana Hair Remover. I'll need to hit the gym soon to be ready for the Bally Jute Mill Bodybuiding Invitational in Bangladesh later this month.

I head to Tryst this afternoon for an ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and Strawberry Smoothie. I'm in my Carla Berhle leather pants. No shirt. I walk in the room and all the ladies are looking up from their laptops. A pregnant woman almost went into labor. I tone it down as much as I can. I give them my Front Double Biceps and Back Lat Spread combo before taking a seat at the bar. I scan the room. Hot blonde lady in a sheer white top and short black skirt. I notice she is noticing me -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance. I give her a point and wink.

Just sharing my VD with the lovelies of craigslist.

What I think about Craigslist M4W

2008-02-06T19:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote the following haiku to woo the ladies of craigslist and it was flagged and removed. What gives?

Craigslist

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Youthful Millionaire Under 40

2008-01-27T19:06:00.000-05:00

So maybe I am ambivalent about having kids???? (permalink).

white millionaire seeks hot chick to deposit my seed in your mouth or buttocks.. Be young and hot. No pic no reply. Naked pictures of you bent over spreading your butt-cheeks are ok if you like--they may give you the upper hand and I'm not judgmental in regards to pictures of women spreading their butt-cheeks.

Perusing this part of cl is not necessarily why you are here

2008-01-09T12:49:00.000-05:00

Steve, you are one strange dude. (permalink).

No, this is not a repetitive post because you've yet to read it. I just wrote it. It won't be new in a day or so if you come back and reread it but it will be new to the people that haven't read it. Also, if I repost it (which I won't) it will be new to the people that haven't yet read it. Additionally, it might seem new to the people that already read it when I repost it if I repost it in, say, 2 weeks and you don't remember that you already read it. That's who I am trying to reach. People who haven't read it, people who read it and may have forgotten they read it, and people who might have been looking for a broken TV. I'll explain.

OK, so this is a relationship forum, but you really may not be looking for that at all.

Maybe you were looking for a broken TV and stumbled in here by accident and you find yourself reading these things. Maybe you were just bored at work and wanted to learn about how easy it would be to have sex with me. Or be my girlfriend. You want a boyfriend who doesn't have syphilis. I can be that guy for you. I don't have syphilis. Maybe you're just looking for a free broken TV. I can be that guy for you too. I have one that you can take off my hands if you wish.

The only question is what type of person do you want to swap bodily fluids with?

My type, course. What a silly question. I mean, you're reading this ad, so you must want to git jiggy with me naturally.

What? .... What is my type?

I told you. The type you are looking for.

What? .... What is your type?

Me!

One last thing: DO NOT DELETE OR CHANGE THE SUBJECT LINE. It is what I look for in an ocean of emails promising me that you will swoon over my size if I take this product called Megadik. Otherwise your response will be deleted unread. Also, respond in detail and comment to content, so I know you actually read this and I know I am not receiving a generic phishing reply. A naked picture of you would be nice too. Thanks.

Mr. BananaHammock

He gets letters:

"Original, I must say.

Do you talk the same way you write?

If that's the case, we would have to stick with having sex most of the time because talking could become way too confusing.

But in order to find out if I wanted to have sex with you I would have to see a picture of the "Megadik"

But then here are all the meds I'm taking....

The craziness...

I might be the one with syphilis! BTW, I collect broken TVs.

Is it still that easy to have sex with you?

Dear Every Girl That Passes Me By On The Street

2007-12-31T09:34:00.000-05:00

Just like me, another hopeless romantic, shouts out on Missed Connections...(permalink).

Blame it on the few drinks that I've had, or maybe it's because I wasn't breast fed as a baby, or that I have don't have a firm grasp on what society calls "boundaries." I keep checking this site only to be disappointed each time.

So this missed connection goes out to you darling. You're the girl who glared at me when I stared at your chest in the bookstore. Don't mistake my staring at your chest as a subtle form of trying to rip your panties off. I'm just imagining you naked, I promise, nothing more.

This connection is for the girl at the bar the other night that was angry with me because I was talking to her breasts. "Hello, my face is up here," she said. Honey, I know where your face is.

This is also for the woman last week who I helped with her groceries when she dropped them in front of me. Both of us bending over, I got a good look down your blouse, yum!

Here's looking out for a great pair... though I also appreciate a firm buttocks!

He gets letters:

"Hi,

don't get your hopes up. I'm none of the girls you just mentionned, but I couldn't help saying hello and good for you...:o).

I never understood that scene in the movie where the girl says: "hello! my face is up here".

As a rule, we (women) like to be noticed and appreciated by men, even the ones we wouldn't deign talk to.

I bet you anything that those girls were secretely pleased and checked out their boobs (with a knowing little smile) the first chance they found themselves in front of a mirror... It's what I would've done. But then, I don't have men staring down my blouse... I shouldn't complain however; they make up for it staring up my face...:)

Cheers, and good luck".

Super Premium Vanilla seeks Decadent Flavored Swirl

2007-12-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

Nobody does a weird metaphor better than I do (permalink).

Indulge yourself in my creamy decadence. Savor the sweet without the sacrifice and enjoy it all knowing there's no sugar added! It's a situation fraught with joyosity when flavors mix and melt together and that's what I'm searching to do with you...your flavors twist and swirl around my vanilla base...caressing me with your coffee fudge, strawberry, or hazelnut swirl. Raspberry or double vanilla also ok... you know what I am about...we're both looking for a long term relationship and the passion between us finds you on top again and again.

I'm a romantic at heart... how about you? And I'm only 3 net carbs...what about you?

Lemmie Show it Off to YA

2007-11-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

I don't understand some folks. I mean, what was he thinking? (permalink)

Hello..I am a tall SWM with big feet (! ;-))..I have pics to prove it...I love to be naked...especially outdoors...I want to get naked and touch myself sensually in front of a sexy lady...a sexy lady that appreciates a man who wants a tall SWM with big feet (! ;-))...that has the pics to prove it...to get naked and touch himself sensually in front of a sexy lady...if you are horny who knows what may happen next...I am fun and generous...I like outside nakedness...and touching myself sensually in front of a sexy lady...a sexy lady that wants a tall SWM with big feet (! ;-))...that has the pics to prove it...to get naked and touch himself sensually in front of a sexy lady ...I love ellipses...no crazies!

Anglo Version of Senator Bail Organa seeks his Breha Organa

2007-11-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

For my 501st Craigslist post, I chose to do a real one though inspired by a number of today's posts. Namely, a Han looking for his Leia (permalink), and an Ewok (permalink) looking for god knows what (just not a friends with benefits situation).

I noticed that there were some Star Wars-inspired posts and wanted to join in on the fun, this being my 501st (yes 501st!) post on Craigslist. I have to confess I did have to Google the name of Bail Organa's wife (as well as the name "Bail Organa") as I am not that into Star Wars as some apparently are.

Indeed, there is a Luke looking for a Leia today, as well as an Ewok looking for love. I guess if there is potential interest in a short, fat, hirsute fella, I might finally (finally!) find a love connection on craigslist. After all, 501 posts is a lot, I'm not as fat, short and hairy as an Ewok, I clean up pretty good, and I like stuff.

While I realize that I am not as sexy or Latino as Jimmy Smits, the actor who played Bail Organa in Star Wars, I not that bad to look at. I'll attach a picture, you be the judge.

What else do I bring to the table? I employed, I can cook, I have good hygiene, I'm well traveled, I have a small collection of softcore hillbilly porn, I've done trapeze. Also, I am closer to you than than Senator Organa (who apparently lives on a planet called Alderaan (thanks again Google!) while I live in Adams Morgan. Senator Organa is also married and I'm not, which should be a plus I suppose.

I think it was Albert Einstein who once said that the definition of insane was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Hmmm. I'm not sure what that says about me?

Elitist WASP seeks Elitist WASP to Sneer at our Lessers, seriously

2007-11-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

Colossal Ass Seeks xtra-special and incredibly unique substrata of society on Craigslist? Ha! (permalink).

6'1" tall, white male, currently an Elitist WASP, fancier of all things upper-crusty, and eternally a snob seeks fellow White Anglo-Saxon Protestant elite female to bond with over sneering at our lessers, long talks concerning the merits of summering in the Hamptons versus summering in Newport (obvious, duh), cucumber sandwiches: butter or cream cheese?, VS, VSOP, or XO?, and how we can keep our boot planted firmly on the necks of the masses through 'compassionate conservatism.' I come from a blue-blooded family from Ann Arbor Michigan, I'm a traditional Midwestern gentleman, and I am definitely not metro-sexual.

I am a complete ass, though I do have a sense of humor, I know many ethnic jokes, and have a strong sense of wit (look that cripple fell down, how rich!), and do not wish to date anyone in my current social circle; hence the advertisement here.

REQUIREMENTS:

Ideally the WASP-ier, the better; any hint of pigment in your skin gets you shown the door.

Preferred age range: 24-34. If you're younger than that you need to impress me with your intellect. A college degree is a must (In case we hit it off really well, and we touch our loins together, I wish that the future progeny must come from the loins of two well-educated people). No diseased loins. Yes, I will check.

Your blood must be blue. Yes, I will check.

You must enjoy those big hats they wear to horse races, wine tasting, teasing the homeless and retarded, and cultural events where other elitist WASPs congregate: the symphony, dining at the Palm, charity balls, the opera, and art galleries.

OK, if you made it through this far, you are probably saying what a catch this guy is, and I am here to tell you that you are right. This message is targeting that extra-special and incredibly unique substrata of society that typically reads craigslist...

Yes, that photo is of me (WASP without the beard), sorry about all the smiling; the photographer was directing me to like I was having a good time at this totally white trash event we decided to go to in order to make fun of white trash. I really do like to scowl though. The other photo is that of my dog, Thaddeus Masterson the Third. He must be accepted as well (He is a great dog, pedigree blood line, a little rough around the edges, and fun to be around. He only smokes Cuban cigars (like me).

He gets letters:

"Hmmm, it seems that between the hours of 2:27am, and 3:36pm you shrunk an inch, and have gone from being a "partial ass' to a "complete ass". You also managed to change dogs, and have gone from being a "traditional Southern gentleman" to a "traditional Midwestern gentleman". Well, at least you have consistently claimed to be a gentleman....I guess neither traditions place an emphasis on honesty. Oh! Let's not forget that in both ads you assert that you are NOT a metro-sexual. Good Luck in your search.....One Smart WASP Lady"

"

Bored in my Brain Surgeon class...wanna chat?

2007-11-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

Do women like guys who might make a lot of money in the future? Let's find out! (permalink)

Sitting in a Brain Surgeoning class on a topic I actually know, Brain Surgeoning. Is anyone up for a conversation? Tall, potential big time earner due to my knowledge of brain surgeoning, well traveled.

2007-10-30T20:31:00.000-04:00

A friend forwarded a nice ad about a Jamaican who didn't believe in caps to post. So I followed. Sorry, I cannot find the original.

hey sexy ladies of craigslist! how are your doing?, i'm gonna keep it short and to the point and free of caps. just looking to meet some cool people. i'm 38 yrs old, originally from michigan, but i reside in adams morgan. i'm 6ft and change. i work. I like to cook, read, eskimo face-pulling competitions, and from time to time, rubbing my crotch on women on metro during rush hour, or whatever the mood desires. i would like to know some things about you, like your politics and chest size, and if the feeling is mutual, we could have sex from behind on my kitchen table.

in Adams Morgan 73 inches average thick Michigan fella .. whenever

2007-10-24T17:56:00.000-04:00

Come and get fucking in Leesburg by this really short dude (permalink).

come drink with this Michigan fella and maybe I’ll make you dinner or something good ladies and maybe we can do “it”.......tall, smells ok, whenever!!!!
--
Once you go mitten, you're forever smitten

this may upset ppl with enormous man crushing gigantic breast

2007-10-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

Challenged speller, boob lover, seeks seeks women who don't have boobs of A-cup or less(?) to fulfill fantasy(?) (permalink)...

but please ppl with enormous man crushing gigantic breast don't send me emails calling me names like, for example, sexist small breast liker or chauvinist piggie admirer of smaller non-man crushing gigantic breast and what not...
any ways,
I want to meet someone with with smaller breast. I know this sounds a bit weerd but just hear me out first...

It's just that the last several women Ive been with have all had enormous man crushing gigantic breast, i.e. they were overstocked in the breast dept. I beleave I was man crushed by all their breast...

normally I do not care about getting man crushed (obviously) but I am actually a bit picky about the physical qualities of my women (I like attractive and thin), but after a while I would like to meet someone who plays to my fantasies a bit, is that really so wrong? Im only human after all...

I'm not asking for women with non-enormous, non-man crushing non-gigantic breast.

I promise Im not a creep and Im not bad to look at., I have pictures to back it up. but only if you have pics too (face pics). Right now I have a pictures of a foot to show how endowed I am in my foot.

Just watch me dance the YMCA

2007-10-13T12:21:00.000-04:00

Self-professed nice guy seeks attractive woman to watch him engage in an act of self-love. You'll be amazed by his ejaculate (permalink).

Hello,

I am a very nice professional guy. I am looking for a girl that wants to watch. Yes watch. I love to dance the YMCA and want to have a beautiful girl watch me. I put some Village People on the stereo and just sort of lose myself in the dance. You can feel free to do what you want too, even masturbate. Heck I don't mind. I have my own apartment and am extremely friendly person. This might sound bizarre but it really is exciting. Did I mention that I was nice and friendly?

Send a photo and we can arrange from there. I have not dance in 3 days and you will be surprised at enthusiasm.

Cheers

Do you prefer smooth or chunky? (among other ponderables)

2007-10-10T17:06:00.000-04:00

Deep thoughts and other idiocy...(permalink)

Myself, I prefer the latter, b/c has much more mouth feel and the possibility encountering chunky pieces of peanuts than smooth peanut butter. Let me explain.

Both chunky and smooth peanut butter can be an excellent component in, say, a peanut butter sandwich. However, I think chunky peanut butter represents its nature in a more true manner than smooth peanut butter.

It was Ferdinand de Saussure in his seminal treatise (heh, seminal) "Legume et Parole: Écrits de beurre de cacahuètes générale proposed that the connection between the signifier and the signified is arbitrary, and that peanut butter is innately chunky (though the mental concept "chunky" is just an arbitrary term used to describe peanut butter with hunks of peanuts suspended in the mix). Anyway, it is society that over-pulverizes it, making it smooth.

Some argue that smooth peanut butter is, the fully-realized product, and hence superior. However, they are flat out wrong. The implication of such an assertion is that the content of a product, its flavor, its enjoyability, its very soul, is improved by becoming entirely removed from its nature.

Thoughts?

And once you've finished that essay question, try this one.

If you could go back in time to 8 PM at any point in my life, and you are cooking me dinner, should I bring a bottle of red or white wine?

He said, "to all my plus size hoes i luv you big hoes lets start a flame, hit me you plus size diva!"

2007-09-28T19:48:00.000-04:00

I'm sure he got a date. I didn't when I introduced...

slim, petite hoes for me please...That's just how I roll...

He gets letters:

"Guess you can keep on rolling all alone, just like you are.

Didn’t your mama teach you respect for women? We don’t like to be called Hoes! Maybe if you didn’t consider women hoes, you would have one and or even better get something better than a hoe.

Hell, forget what I just said. Maybe you deserve a HOE.

Have a great life."

The only man in DC who cares only about sex

2007-09-25T18:04:00.000-04:00

This self-proclaimed king of smartiosity attempts a humorous ad but it comes off a bit obnoxious. I've always found the self-deprecating humor works better in these situations. Otherwise you come off sounding like someone aspiring to alpha-male status (permalink). If the topic touches the nerve of a particular reader, well then, don't read me.

It seems that approximately 99% of the people on here use some sort of variation on that tired cliché "I'm looking for someone who likes me for me. Someone I can love who will love me back. I just want to be held." Stuff like that. Well, I suppose I'm looking for the same, only when I’m talking about like and love and holding, they’re just basically euphemisms for s-e-x. In short, I need someone who can keep up with me horizontally (or vertically or otherwise). Go ahead and send me hate mail for the following statement, calling me a lout, a pervert, “sex positive” and insensitive throw-back to an earlier era; and then praise the men of today as “in touch” with their “feminine side” and that is how you like your men; if you can't deal with honesty, that's your hang-up, not mine: I'm “sex positive.” I'm really, really really “sex positive” and I am more than just talking about being “sex positive.” I actually like doin’ it. I spend most of my day, each and every day, downloading barely legal porn. And masturbating. And it's exhausting. Truly exhausting. I'm on here, hoping that I can find a woman, a woman with a vagina, who wants me to stick my penis in her vagina and vice versa. Not that she would stick her penis in my vagina, but that she would want me to stick my penis in her vagina. You get the drift.

Okay, with that being said ... hi, hello, greetings and/or salutations, my name is Mr. BananaHammock. It is not a pseudonym, it’s my actual name. I am 38 years and change. I live in Adams Morgan. I'm your typical patent boutique law firm marketing manager who put himself through grad school by taking out a lot of personal loans. My parents actually paid them off so I guess that the statement “I put myself through grad school” is not entirely correct. I'm a bibliophile with a slight astigmatism in my left eye I think (I don’t have to wear glasses but started because I used to check out hotties in the distance walking up the street and as I approached they weren’t as hot as they seemed when they were blurry, sigh). Let's see, I'm not in therapy but probably should be. I seem to attract damaged women and rebound women and these relationships always seem to end weirdly. I read voraciously, sloth obsessively and I'm definitely outdoorsy he-man type. See below my deer hunting picture in full flannel.

My Ideal Person: Is “sex positive” in the sense that they like to act on that urge rather than talk about how “sex positive” they are. Also, my ideal person has a vagina. I like vaginas. I could never get tired of looking at vaginas. Maybe I should’ve been a gynecologist rather than a patent boutique firm marketing manager? That being said ... please be very well educated, be reasonably fit and attractive, and you must have an extremely dark sense of humor.

No relationship rebounders, crazies, commitment-phobes or psychos. I am no longer psycho-friendly.

He gets letters:

"Yes! You're back. We missed you on CL."

"Please, pleeeease do this guy. I think we chatted once or twice on salon.com personals before so I feel like I almost know you and can ask you this. "

Michigander in DC. Whines. Holds his breath to get his way.

2007-09-23T15:45:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since my last post. I haven't had much time to read craigslist this Summer, but noticed this young fetishist. Spanking anyone? (permalink).

I just moved down to DC from Michigan, oh I'd say about 10 years ago, but I am already starting to what DC has to offer. The weather is quite a bit warmer than I'm used to and my collection of flannel shirts and hats with furry ear flaps has proven to be useless. I am looking forward to colder temperatures tho haha, or as we say in Michigan, Geez-o-pete! I've been going out with friends all the time lately - we checked out Capitol Hill, Dupont, Adams Morgan, and Mt. Pleasant. Out of those places the bars I've liked the more have been Angles, Tryst, Tonic, and the Diner for pancakes. In my spare time I like to read and watch movies and go to concerts. I am a full time employed person in Falls Church (but live in DC) so that keeps me busy most of the time. And finally, as I'm sure you already noticed from the headline, I am whiny and hold my breath until I get my way. Or pass out. Much like a two year-old. I can throw a tantrum if your prefer, throwing my body on the ground and screaming myself red while I beat my fists on the floor and kick my legs up and down.

About you: First and foremost, you should be intelligent, beautiful, liberal, sense of humor, bangin' bod (as I like those sorts of things). Any sense of humor is appreciated (sarcasm included). Bonus points if you are younger than me (I'm way too immature for a woman close to my age). Even more bonus points if you live close (I'm lazy). Further rack up some bonus points if you are free Wednesday night, like Rilo Kiley (or are curious), and don't have tickets to the Rilo Kiley concert at the 9:30 Club. We could get chili dogs at Ben's before (who says I don't know how to wine and dine a lady!).

Darkly Sexual Poetry Dude Seeks His Muse

2007-08-05T10:06:00.000-04:00

Lost in idiocy...(permalink).

I'm a dark, misunderstood, bad boy poetry dude and I am seeking my muse. I'm very emotional and will always express how I feel. I'm not so much a cryer but more of a sulker. I like to brood at parties and bars. I like to act superior to you. I love writing poetry. I love the color black, coffee, and the Smiths. I don't have a bright green or pink shirt where I can take the collar of the shirt and wear it "popped" so don't ask.

Turn ons: brooding, sex, the Smiths, the color black, judgmental people, coffee, women who sulk, poetry.

Turn offs: "popped" collars, happy people, smiling, no sex.

one of my poems:

This is my World
Well, only some bits
First, I’m a guy
And I’ll be staring at your tits

For some they’re too little
For me it’s nothing
Just as long as they jiggle
While we are fucking

When I take you from behind
I’ll be pulling your hair
Like I’m riding a horse
At some county fair

The sex will be hot and sweaty
After hours our strength may fade
But you need not worry
I’ve got gallons of Blue Frost Gatorade®

I'm the most hardcore fat-burning machine I can be. What about you?

2007-07-31T17:51:00.000-04:00

Mr. BananaHammock returns...

So this morning I get up, shower, and air dry over my glass of breakfast wine. Naked and air drying, I take my morning supplement, Pump Tech™, which of course has led to even better pumps, jacked up my Nitric Oxide levels, increased my vascular response, and has my muscles blown up like balloons. Also, I take my Hydroxycut Hardcore™, enabling the enzymatic response involved in thermogenesis and the fat-uncoupling process turning me into the most effective and hardcore fat-burning machine I can be.

Before work I decide I need to do some grocery shopping. My refrigerator was recently fixed after being broken for a while and I need to restock. I’ve been tired of eating out every night. It’s going to be a hot day so I slip commando-style into my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I’m strolling down the aisles at El Safeway with my shopping list and coupons:

ground panda
condor eggs
yak milk
emperor penguin tenderloin
Fresca
pepper jack cheese
Snuggle
peaches
asparagus

The usual. Anyway, I’m over by the condom gulag and I notice this woman noticing me. Noticing my ripped definition. Noticing my muscle mass. Noticing my powerful presence. She’s staring at my crotch and squeezing those peaches to test for firmness I suppose. And drooling. I approach and let her know that if she’s after something a little firmer, she should come back to my Adams Morgan compound for a glass of breakfast wine and enjoy a Lifetime movie, “Hunger Point” starring Barbara Hershey as an overbearing mother who nit-picks her daughter into bulimia.

Me you ask? Grocery shopping. Eating endangered species. Lifetime movies. That is what I am about.

He gets letters:

"leather in the heat without undies is likely to cause a nasty rash...When I'm having a bad day I cruise CL and find the most off the wall post and send it to my colleagues. You won today. Thanks for the giggle."

" Welcome back! Now I can really look forward to reading the personals again."

Naughty Passive-Aggressive Marketer Seeks Horny Lawyer to Run My Life

2007-07-31T17:49:00.000-04:00

Because I need to be kept in the style to which I am accustomed (and I am lazy)...

I've met several lawyers and they all seem to have the same things in common: they are assertive. I’m an easy-going male that would pair off well with a woman in charge of her own life, lawyer, or other such wealthy professional. I'm supportive, considerate, intelligent and you won't find a better partner.

Once we are alone, you will be horny because I am horny. You will be fairly attractive because I am fairly attractive. You will also run my life because I don’t have strong feelings one way or another.

When you misbehave or act up I’ll probably roll my eyes and bury my head in a book.

It's freeing, at least for me, when you run my life, your hand in mine as we explore our horny sides away from the busy, in charge lawyerly other such wealthy professional side everyone else knows.

George looking for his Martha

2007-07-09T17:52:00.000-04:00

Only for the literarily delusional. I want to disguise myself as an animal and rape you? I don't get it (permalink).

If you're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden bi-atch who is loud and vulgar and you wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, then you’re for me!

I'm a single white male who is looking for a relationship with an open minded female.

- You can drink me under any goddam table.
- You are an Earth Mother and we’re all flops
- I make you puke
- I will hold your hand when it's dark and you're afraid of the boogeyman and I will tote your gin bottles out after midnight so no one can see but I will not light your cigarette.

Oh, and you might want to wear something stain resistant on our date.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Oh, I’m also 6’ and about 172 lbs of sweet sweet lovin’.

He gets letters:

"I'm just responding to tell you how funny this was to me. You have a great since of humor, hope someone gets it. Good luck."

A highly specific and impossible request

2007-07-08T09:57:00.000-04:00

I follow up a highly specific and unusual request with what I thought would be an impossible request (permalink). Will I find love on craigslist? We will see later tonight...

I'm looking for an attractive, woman with small to medium-sized boobs with short hair and glasses in her late twenties to mid-thirties for a traditional-style relationship. Ideally you are an intelligent smartipants, sarcastic, have a good sense of humor, and are comfortable with yourself. You are curious and would like to try most things at least once. You aren’t so much the jealous type and you actually may get along with other women. You don’t nag either.

About me? I am a guy. I am currently employed. Beer good. Stuff good. Electronics? Good.

If you're seriously interested, please email me with a little about yourself. Thanks for your interest.

It's a lot like life

2007-07-01T14:52:00.000-04:00

Let's play master and servant...(permalink).

You are a woman. A woman who desires to be with a strong man. I am a strong man. Perhaps I am the strong man you desire to be with? Strong in the sense that he can lift heavy things with relative ease. Strong in the sense that movies like "Love Story" will not make him cry. Strong in the sense that he is there to lead the relationship. You will follow.

He leads with the common sense to initiate communication on matters that affect the heart; you will trust him when he tells you to “shut up”; he leads by discouraging your weakness; he leads by the simple fact that you follow; he leads by affirming your femininity and knowing full well that he has the last word on matters (because after all you’re just a girl); he leads by proper spelling and the semicolon; he leads knowing that humbling himself by making mistakes or dancing poorly does not make his weak in your eyes but strengthens your love for him otherwise he’ll beat you; and finally he leads by satisfying your erogenous areas with his patented sexual techniques that are guaranteed to make you warble like a woodcock and shudder like a poorly tuned diesel engine. Employing bad similes, he leads.

Why no B-Day Sex is OK by me by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

2007-06-13T19:38:00.000-04:00

Another tribute to Omari, who hasn't posted in a while...

Birthday sex. My white whale. Call me Ahab, not Ishmael.. I have been in several long term relationships, dated short term, dated casually, and have never had birthday sex. I've heard tell of it happening, but it hasn't happened for me. I've given birthday sex, but never received birthday sex. Apparently I've stumbled into some sort of "it's that time of the month" conspiracy whereby the female population of wherever I happen to be at any given moment is synchronizing their biological clocks. I've largely accepted this as fact and am more or less resigned to a life without birthday sex. Generally speaking, I wouldn't turn birthday sex down, although I would probably be suspicious somebody was playing a practical joke on me. And not even a good practical joke, like cup-a-souping someone by shoving a fart in their face or placing dog poop in their coffee.

Regarding practical jokes, the American humorist H. Allen Smith wrote a 320-page book in 1953 called The Compleat Practical Joker that contains many examples of practical jokes. A typical one concerns the American painter and bohemian character Waldo Peirce. Peirce was living in Paris in the 1920s and made a gift of a very small turtle to the woman who was the concierge of his building. The woman doted on the turtle and lavished it with care and affection. A few days later Peirce substituted a somewhat larger turtle for the original one. This continued for some time, with larger and larger turtles being surreptitiously introduced into the woman's apartment. The concierge was beside herself with happiness and displayed her miraculous turtle to the entire neighborhood. Peirce then began to sneak in and replace the turtle with smaller and smaller ones, to her bewildered distress. This was the storyline behind Esio Trot, by Roald Dahl, though I don’t recall if Mrs. Silver gave Mr. Hoppy birthday sex. They get married in the end, so I guess probably not.

This year I am grateful that there will be no birthday sex for me. The air conditioning in my building has given out so no central air. I had been running the air in my apartment with the windows closed out of respect for our scant natural resources. It is at least 100 degrees in the bedroom. And though I had one of those giant bottles of Gatorade Rain (green flavored), I'm pretty sure that I would not be a good birthday sex host. Perhaps it is because of the combination of heat and humidity and lack of air conditioning. Or, although because, ultimately, we all came from water and we all are water, it's not always pleasant sharing your water with a total stranger. Does anyone care? I'll gladly accept rain-checks.

Where is my Sophie’s Choice???

2007-06-01T19:22:00.000-04:00

A friend, Sarah, pointed out that this guy probably hadn't read the novel he was referencing (permalink).

I want the unadulterated surrender of your body, mind, and soul. I want to submit you to a strange house in which you will be bound, blindfolded, and required to obediently do whatever they're told, for whomever tells you to do so. Also, metal poles of various thickness will be stuck up your ass. You will endure pain, but it is this very "pain" that you will covet. And after all, isn't pain merely pleasure from a different perspective? Though you will be offered your freedom on several occasions, you’ll choose the physical bondage and torture over freedom. You will learn that to accept this bondage is to receive unmentionable pleasure, but to deny our environment is to suffer unnecessarily.

Wait. That’s my Story of “O” ad.

Hi, I’m Stingo. I’m an inordinately horny, frustrated, pained, wise-cracking man in his early, ahem, 20s…

Is It "Your" Vagina's Aroma

2007-06-01T19:12:00.000-04:00

I guess women don't want to admit that their vagina can smell like something (permalink).

That has put me in a coma? If you want me to sniff your ass like a dog, I’ll do that too (as long as you are between the ages of 25-35).

~ flagged and removed by the craigslist community ~

sexy + sexy = extreme sexamaliciousness

2007-05-27T16:25:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I posted on Craigslist. Busy at work I suppose. Here's one that should have me needing to sift through literal piles of responses from eager young woman who want a taste of hot lovin' championhandwasher style...

If you want to go out me, be prepared to have a time like no any other that you've ever had. Period. It's not like going out with any guy you've ever been out with before. Words can barely describe the going out with me experience. But I'll try. Here goes. We go out to dinner - I'll pay. But you better not be ordering no lobster. About me - besides having a full time day job, I read books on the side, download "barely legal" porn and masturbate, and I go to bed kinda early. That keeps me off the streets and out of trouble. Downloading internet porn is a lot of fun. I have a tons of the stuff, internet porn "stuff" that is. I started downloading internet porn a couple of years ago, however - most of my close friends also download internet porn (when were not playing Everquest that is). I'm getting pretty good at "Rockin the House" so to speak. Nowadays, if I am not reading or downloading internet porn - I am generally sleeping, just kiddin. Sometimes I'm watching TV. I'm seriously looking for sexy chicks for romanticity. Me on top at first, but if we decide to get really freaky, then you on top. You know what I'm sayin . . .

Check out this wild story. I never thought it would happen to me. So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, right? Smokin' hot. And like, I've had a few miller lites so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another miller lite and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing appletinis for the last four hours or so, totally pissed off about some guy, dig? I don't want to hear about the guy, but the situation? I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all suave and and introduce myself and she, like, totally gives me the once over and smiles! I'm thinking I'm totally in. All the way. She orders a couple more appletinis and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more appletinis later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we take off. We hail a cab and I'm checking her out and she's totally checking me out, ok? Long legs, titties, great ass. Really hot, ok? I mean superfine hottie hottness. Cab takes us to her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning, my breath smells like vomit, and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened. How cool is that!

Now I could write a whole lot more and philosophize on dude ladies, lady ladies, woman ladies, tomboy ladies, but I won't. Not today. You probably wouldn't understand it anyway. Besides, I gotta go prep my dinner.

Not saying I am going to get any responses, but if I do - please attach a picture for a reply. I don't want to end up with no dude ladies. I the dude on the right hand side of the dude lady. Or, alternately, the boob on the far left.

He gets really long sort of crazy letters:

"Saw your ad. Any guy who confesses to spending an inordinate amount
of time with internet porn, and getting drunk and going home with a
chick that drinks appletinis deserves someone to write him back! I
couldn't see your face, it was too obscured by the boob on the far
left, but you obviously have a sense of humor.

I am also a giant fan of internet porn; not just internet porn, but
all kinds of porn, actually. Internet porn is good cause you can go
find stuff that's just too raunchy to rent from the store. Have you
ever noticed that porn store clerks are always overly friendly? It's
really weird...

I'm your average guy's girl. Love dirty movies, basketball, whiskey,
making out with girls, and blowjobs (giving them, as getting one would
be impossible-I don't have the equipment). Does that make me a "dude
girl"? Unfortunately, I can never find men who can deal with these
qualities. They always turn all weird. Seriously, one of my
boyfriends broke up with me on my birthday one year because I wanted
us to sleep with one of my cuter girlfriends, who at the time was
sitting in my lap kissing me. It was traumatic.

Sorry, got carried away. Anyway, love to talk to you more, but I won't
bore you too much in the first email. I'll wait till later emails for
the boring stuff.

Sending a pic, but I'd love one where you didn't have a boob in your face. ;)"

Let me help you help me

2007-05-08T17:48:00.000-04:00

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

Hi! I am

Seeking

and I want to give you

at

So we can have

So, I'll want to

Ok, got it? Now, since I don’t have a "Submit This, Biatch!" button, you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle
that?).

For the love of god somebody date my son!

2007-05-04T19:16:00.000-04:00

He's such a nice boy!!

I taught her how to love again

2007-04-30T17:48:00.000-04:00

Something somewhat new. Mr. BananaHammock M4W post coupled with a W4M missed connection for the woman he taught how to love again...

I'm at the office so I'm wearing my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. My chunky gold bracelet keeps clanging on the keyboard as I type. Just back from the gym so my body glistens, my muscles are pumped and totally cut. Abs, delts, biceps, triceps. I flex for the ladies in the cubicles as I make my way back to my office to type this missive.

Last night, I walk into Angles. I flex for the ladies and grab an ISS Effervescent Creatine Orange and Hybolin Decanoate mixed with Old Raj Gin. My back to the bar, I settle into a one of those bar stools, my head bobbing in rhythm to music that only I can hear. I glance to my left. I glance to my right. I’m scanning the joint for ladies that can handle this juggernaut of ecstasy. Spotted in the corner. One special one, I give her my bicep flex swivel-wrist point and wink. I can tell she needs the kind of hot man on woman sensuality that only I can provide. She needs me to teach her how to love again.

She’s a hot, dirty blonde in a sheer summer dress. I give my smoky, smoldering, bedroom eyes. I give her my hot, snarly lip curl. I give her my Front Double Biceps and Back Lat Spread combo and then run through my posedown routine. I notice that she is noticing me. She’s taking it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, dignity and flair. She’s blushing. I know what she wants to ask me but she is shy. I approach and tell her that I’d be more than happy to teach her how to love again. We proceed to the ladies room which is much more spacious than the men’s room, enough space necessary to accommodate all of my hot man on woman sensuality techniques. Space enough that she won’t bang her head on a urinal. It is here that I teach her to love again.

After I spoil her for other men, I head for the Safeway on the way to my Adams Morgan compound to get something for dinner. I pick up a crudités platter, panda tenderloin, and Ranch Salad kit. I’ll be up late practicing my bedroom eyes.

Looking good. Human growth hormones. Eating exotic animals. A juggernaut of ecstasy. Teaching women how to love. That is what I am about. And if you’re tired of those limp-wrist denizens of craigslist, you know where to find me. Your pic gets mine.

And the Missed Connection...

You taught me how to love again - w4mLast night at Angles. You were wearing tight leather pants and no shirt. Your physique was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. You spoiled me for other men in the ladies room around 8:00 PM. I wish I’d asked for your number. Coffee?

Coca-Cola® and Pop Rocks®

2007-04-28T19:07:00.000-04:00

Bored. A friend threw this one (permalink) over the transom. Craigslist is getting kind of weak...

I am looking for a smart, witty girl to share quite evenings eating Pop Rocks® and drinking Coca-Cola® in the twinkling city lights while our stomachs explode horribly.

I love my banter intellectual, my repartee witty and my women’s nether-regions shaved. For instance, I like to spend time discussing the number of pancakes it would take to make a stack of pancakes that could touch the moon, both stacked one on top of another AND stacked end-to-end, wondering if the addition of butter and syrup would change the number of pancakes in either instance, while I’m playing your crotch like a Jew’s Harp. I'm six one.

I’m into extreme banjo, time travel, and pubic hair topiary.

What do you like to do in your free time if you even have any (please say sex…please say sex…please say sex)?

He gets letters:

"Before I send you a picture, I was wondering how old you are and how old of a person you're looking for. I have a feeling I may be too young since I'm 18. I do enjoy talking about random fun things as well; like the purpose of tangelo's and how much you'd be worth in an auction. It's up to you if you want to reply."

"No freaks?? you surely sound like a freak yourself!!

Unbind Me

2007-04-20T16:09:00.000-04:00

I just don't know what to say about this guy, except for "for the love of god, please learn correct punctuation" (permalink).

Hi there! I'm an easy going, laid back, outgoing, and sometimes even spontaneous. I like to eat food. I recognize the importance of water in keeping hydrated. I travel to nice places, dance the YMCA, and exude a pleasant odor (though I cannot say the same thing about my apartment). Near perfect strangers tell me personal things about their vaginas. I guess that means I am easy to talk to or something. I have a passion for sex and I can measure my penis in inches ( 3 in all ).

I am currently single, but a little tied up at the moment. I am looking for someone to unbind me before I die of thirst. Help?

DC Conservatives Spoil Max Thrust's "Wow" Moment

2007-04-10T17:41:00.000-04:00

Earlier today I was at the Grooming Lounge. Ultimate facial including lymphatic drainage, a collagen mask, an eye treatment and a hot/cold facial massage. Brazilian wax for my upcoming trip to Cabo. Age defying exfoliation for my feet. I’m Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

I’m feeling good about myself. It’s casual Tuesday for me again so I’m wearing my Jasper Conrad pants, jacket, and tie ($855, $332, and $138 respectively); my shirt is Lorenzini ($275), and my shoes and pocket square are by Salvatore Ferragamo ($725 and $70). My Jasper Conrad pants are down around my ankles and I’ve got our blonde intern from California bent over my mahogany desk. I’m smoking a Ramon Allones Tubo while I’m giving her dictation.

I’m swirling my penis inside of her 20-yr old vagina from behind as we are putting together a memo on the S. 49, the Barely Legal Protection Act. I believe I’d mentioned something about this Senate gambit that will talk money out of the pockets of my clients in the San Fernando Valley, and by extension me, as well as those young women coming out West to become famous actresses.

For some reason or another, the Senate hopes to prevent the offering of dirty pictures where the model or actress appears to be younger than she's supposed to be and thus making men's blood boil in extreme dirtiness. Just as I am having my “wow” moment, I start thinking, “when did DC become so conservative?”

Easter by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

2007-04-07T19:38:00.000-04:00

It seems a bit hollow to me that Jesus' dad let Jesus die for our sins. My sins? vodka, cigarettes, barely legal porn, and premarital sex. I don't count masturbation as a sin since the fundies started saying that you should worship your body like a temple and I've had to worship that temple a lot recently.

Easter is apparently named after the pagan goddess Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon maiden-goddess of fertility. Primitive cultures found this to be a very sacred and holy thing, and have honored Eostre in many ways down through recorded history. And, as one might expect, it has been invariably symbolized by the rebirth of a dead deity.

The name Eostre or Oestre in Latin apparently derives from the Greek, and has it's roots in a word that means "frenzy." We see this word again in English in "estrus," meaning a female mammal 'in heat' and able to conceive, and if anybody has encountered a female in estrus, let me tell you...they are frenzied.

In my family, Easter is a celebration of a certain animal from the family of leporids who leave chocolate candy and hard boiled eggs as treats. I don't eat chocolate generally so I generally gave them to my crazy sister. Also we color the hard boiled eggs. Later, before the ham dinner, we strip naked, go out in the woods, dance around a tree, and offer to dye the pubic hair of the young women that would walk by my house singing their fertility songs or regularly ranting about not "getting any."

Max Thrust gets a new client

2007-04-06T16:44:00.001-04:00

The Big Mouthfuls of America Association, or BMAA, just recently joined the Free Speech Coalition in order that yours truly would lobby on issues relating to a reauthorization of an Act to limit the size of mouthfuls that these enterprising young women are allowed to accept. It’s popularly called the “I Promise I Won’t Come in Your Mouth Too Much” Act. I’m Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

This is a case, at least in my opinion, where Congress is overreaching. With all the talk about banning transfats and complaining that kids are getting too fat because of what they are putting in their mouths, etc., I guess you are starting to see a pattern. What these women are ingesting, or letting drip down their chins, is high in protein and low in calories. And we all know that protein is essential for muscle growth and when consumed breaks down into amino acids which are the building blocks of the body. Without protein, your hair could fall out, your fingernails could crumble, and your muscles could deteriorate into, well, mush. Also ingesting protein will help you lose weight.

So, anyway, the other night I’m swirling my penis inside this woman’s vagina in the men’s room at Morton’s. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Ok, so I notice this young woman at the bar in Morton’s checking me out. I walk up to her and ask her if she’d like to join me in the bathroom so that I can swirl my penis inside her vagina. She says, “I’d very much like you to swirl your penis inside my vagina.” So we go to the bathroom. After I’m swirling it around a bunch, I tell her, “Hey, I’m about to have my "happy fun" moment. My man juice is made of protein. It’s good for losing weight. You’re kinda fat. Can I swirl my penis in your mouth for a bit?”

Then something happens. She gets all made about something and I don’t get to finish. As a result I’m very horny. And as always, my blackberry is on...

Max Thrust....and naked pictures...

2007-04-04T19:55:00.000-04:00

My bedroom? 9,200-Thread-Count 100% Cotton sheets by Armani. Cream colored to avoid potential "staining" when I am actually entertaining a georgetown co-ed over at my well-appointed condo. Usually I do my business in the bathrooms of the various DC neighborhood bars with many an eager mouth. Me? Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition. My recent problem? Naked pictures.

Naked pictures posted on the Internet of an aide to Missouri Gov. Tad Clunt (R) to be exact. Son of House Minority Whip Goy Clunt (R), are proving fodder for a bare-knuckles political spat.

The state Republican Party is blaming Democrats for sharing the pictures — which apparently were stolen from the aide’s computer — with the media. When I spoke to another lobbyist, Frank L. Dudd, he said that “This does nothing to further political discourse and has no place in Missouri politics. We have actively discouraged the press from reporting on this.”

OK, the political back-and-forth may be interesting, but the pictures, you ask, what about the pictures? Turns out, they’re not as titillating as you’d think for all the fuss. Or at least in DC. There is no good place to insert "bend-over boyfriend" in this post is there? As always, my blackberry is on...

He gets letters:

"Are u sure ur sheets r 9.200 thread count? U might mean 900? I never heard of 9.200 thread count, but then again, u could have some absolutely amazing sheets? I luv great sheets, just bought 1,000 thread count sheets last weekend, they look great. So what r u lookin for?

Ciao,"

Max Thrust, Self-Righteously Indignant

2007-03-31T17:20:00.001-04:00

Max Thrust, Self-Righteously Indignant

Anyway, another day, another $15,000, as we say in the biz. The weather was nice yesterday, but I’m really looking forward to the warmer weather, when the clothes come off and you can tell the hotties from the fatties. I can tell you from personal experience that there is nothing worse than picking up a college co-ed down at Tom Tom, getting her in the bathroom, and finding out she’s more than what you bargained for. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but at my salary, I can afford better. I’ve also got standards. I’m not going to swirl my penis around in just anyone’s vagina. But I won’t stop you from going down on me.

I rolled into the office at about 11 AM for a conference call strategy session with the majors of the adult film industry in order to discuss our reaction to S. 49, the Barely Legal Protection Act. Like this for example:

REGULATIONS—Not later than 180 days after the date of enactment of the Barely Legal Protection Act, the Commission shall promulgate regulations to require a video service to prevent the offering of dirty pictures where the model or actress appears to be younger than she's supposed to be and thus making men's blood boil in extreme dirtiness, as such terms are defined in section 254 yada yada.

What gives? The consensus is that Congress is looking to ban barely legal porn. The industry keeps up-to-date information on the models and actresses, including all the stuff on their fake ids. Fresh, young woman takes the bus to Hollywood, looking to break into acting, and they want to take the food out of her mouth. Disgusting.

This makes me so mad, the only way I can relax is if I can swirl my penis around in somebody’s vagina. My blackberry is on. Any takers?

Max Thrust. Irritated.

2007-03-29T19:33:00.000-04:00

Max Thrust, lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition, had an excellent chapter in his story to tell today. Unfortunately, craigslist wouldn't let him post it. It had something to do with barely legal porn, taking the food out of the mouths of unsuspecting starlets that rolled into Hollywood, looking for fame, having fake IDs, and my righteous indignation. It wasn't pretty.

Anyway, to calm my restiveness, I had called upon those who might be willing to let me swirl my penis inside of your vagina and that my blackberry was on...anyway, that didn't happen.

So now I am trying this grassroots approach to getting supporters out to condemn craigslist and their nefarious tactics of getting posters, like me, who want young women to have much needed jobs in the porn industry. And again, my blackberry is on...

10 Inches of Max Thrust

2007-03-28T17:50:00.001-04:00

I’m Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition. My suit? Corneliani Couture ($8750). Shirt? Tino Cosma ($365). Tie and pocket square? Zanella ($320 and $85 respectively). My belt? Salvatore Ferragamo ($130). I slip on my $16,000 Alviero Martini 1 Classe watch.

As you may have noticed, I’m in all Italian couture today. I feel self-assured, cultivated, refined, discreet, but equally recognizable: free enough to be able to reject clichés and sure enough to embody a personal style that is never predictable. The classic elegance I am projecting goes beyond the definitions of formal wear or sportswear, because it reflects a single taste and sensitivity that I put into the various activities that are part of my life.

Today’s activity was a briefing with the staff of the House Judiciary Committee, something about the Committee wanting to introduce legislation banning barely legal porn. What gives? They may look younger than 18, but that is the point. And anyway, “barely legal” IS legal. Just barely.

After this event I was scheduled to attend a fundraiser/lunch with the Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Don Chalmers, who represents my home state. Anyway, I’m imagining a gossip-fueled meal of steak and martinis at Charlie Palmer, so I tuck a couple of $500 10” Ramon Allones Tubos into my pants pocket. Anybody in this industry will tell you that size does indeed matter. And what’s a steak without a good cigar, anyway?

Anyway, I was up at Rayburn waiting in the security line, and I’m detained by security for carrying a “suspicious item,” whatever that means. I’m then taken aside and frisked by a female police officer. I tell her, “finding anything you like?” and “Yes it’s real...can you handle 10 inches...I’d love to see you wrap your lips around it...would you like to take a puff.” Stuff like that. The security guard, playing hard to go get, hauls me away for questioning.

What gives? I understand that even though the morality policy in DC no longer allow smoking, the ritual of the sucking on a good cigar is key to the whole lobbyist/congressperson bonding experience.

He gets letters:

"I love you. Will you marry me?"

Max Thrust. Casual Tuesday.

2007-03-27T17:43:00.000-04:00

Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition. It’s casual Tuesday for me. I’m wearing my Jasper Conrad pants, jacket, and tie ($855, $332, and $138 respectively); my shirt is Lorenzini ($275), and my shoes and pocket square are by Salvatore Ferragamo ($725 and $70).

I decide to take my XKR convertible Jag down to my K Street office. The top is down because the weather is nice. I get to the office and riding the elevator I notice a new intern with the Coalition. No more than 22, young, brunette. Firm buttocks and perky boobies. She’s from California Staring at her chest, I ask her how she likes working in DC. She tells me it has been the best experience of her life, but she’s looking for something permanent. I tell her she should come up to my office and perhaps we can work something out.

So then I’m sitting at my expansive mahogany desk and I’m letting her know how connected I am to folks on the Hill and she, kneeling under my desk, is making a connection of her own. As she’s finishing I’m catching up on my email on my blackberry. Yes, Senator Restons, I can meet you for lunch at the Old Ebbitt Grill. The intern and I continue our discussion. This time she’s bent over my mahogany desk. She starts talking about how she’s good friends with the Schwarzeneggers and that she’s been skiing with Billy Baldwin, and I tell her that people find name-dropping obnoxious, or at least that is what my good friend the Dalai Lama once told me.

Anyway, a bit later I’m having lunch at the Old Ebbitt Grill with Senator Bill Restons of Alabama. I ordered the Grilled New York Strip Steak and a glass of 2001 Opus One. I started with a dozen raw Wellfleets on ice. I’m trying to get him to moderate his stance on the temporary worker program. The Free Speech Coalition has been wanting to bring in more temporary workers for the industry because they command much less in wages than does home grown talent. Additionally, we cannot get them H2-B visas because, let’s face it, they are highly skilled at what they do. If you watch enough of those films, you know what I am talking about. He says he’ll have his staff look into the issue.

The check arrives. I pick it up, ‘natch. The waitress tenses a little when I grab her buttocks. Playing hard to get. I like that.

Me? Max Thrust . Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

2007-03-26T17:49:00.000-04:00

More Mad Max...this one is a collaboration...

Some say DC is Hollywood for the ugly. I say that DC is Chatsworth for the dumpy. Excluding, of course, yours truly. Chatsworth is indistinguishable from the other middle-class communities that sprawl across the San Fernando Valley, except for one thing. It's where the people who I work for do their business.

I do my business in DC. Me? Max Thrust. Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition. My suit? Canali Coture ($3750). Shirt? Isaia ($365). Tie and pocket square? Robert Talbot ($320 and $85 respectively). My belt? Salvatore Ferragamo ($130). I slip on my $13,000 Carl F. Bucherer watch. In the cab I check out my reflection in the rearview mirror. Despite the day's exertions, not a hair is out of place. I look good. Those bi-weekly $100 haircuts at The Grooming Lounge certainly do pay off. I'll have to tip Antoine a little extra at the next visit.

I'm on my way to a reception on the Hill. In other words, a fundraiser. The reception is for Senator McMurrough, the senior Senator from Massachusetts. He's a lawyer and a champion of First Amendment issues so he’s a guy I want to get in bed with, so to speak, though he's often so far in his cups at these events that it can difficult to get his ear. I wanted to arrive right at the start, before he had one too many Bushmills, but upon arriving I found out he’d be arriving a bit later. However, his Chief of Staff is there and I want to have a word with her.

So I arrived at Sonoma at 6:00 sharp and as expected I'm one of the first people there. I pick up my name tag and momentarily worry that it may leave a mark on my Canali Coture ($3750) but then I spot his Chief of Staff, Meghan Brophy at the bar. I walk up behind her and run my hand down her back while murmuring her first name into her ear. She is delighted to see me and flashes a big smile. Meghan is attractive but not my type. She's black Irish, medium height, small but perky boobies, standard issue black pant suit and low-heeled pumps. Smart and energetic, she's way too uptight, but nothing a good lay wouldn't fix.

I'm hoping to get the head of Vivid Adult Entertainment in as a witness in a hearing on intellectual property issues, with my hand resting lightly on Meghan's high firm ass it seems like the politic thing would be to offer her that much need roll in the sack. I fix her with my sexiest smoky gaze and make my pitch. She straightens her shoulders, thrusting out her boobies in the process, signaling her interest, and tells me that she will talk to the committee staff director about our testimony but that she has a few more details to take care of before the Senator arrives and won't have time to talk with me further. I let her know that I'd be happy to discuss this with her in greater detail after the reception, but she begs off citing the need for beauty sleep. Too bad, I had a nice little fantasy running in my head about overcoming that uptight attitude with a good spanking before swirling my penis inside her vagina…from behind. Twice.

Just then a couple lobbyists from the music industry show up and we swap war stories over $40 glasses of 1970 Chateau Ducru Beaucaillou. The whole time sending smoldering looks to the bartender, who told me that she is working there until she lands a job on the Hill. I'm trying to decide if her boobies are real or enhanced. Not that I care either way, but I do consider myself a connoisseur of boobies and am sure she's had some work. I ask her when she gets off and she tells me that she is working late tonight. I tell her she shouldn't have to wait until then and offer to give her a special tip, swirling my penis inside of her vagina, on her next break. She says, “I love it for you to swirl your penis inside of my vagina” and we head for the employee bathroom. She gets off well before closing time. Oh and yes, they are enhanced.

By 8:00 I'm in a cab on my way to Georgetown trying to decide if I can find a young firm co-ed to nail or if I should just get dinner and call it a night. Are you up for having a Washington DC power-broker swirl his penis inside your vagina? Or would you just prefer me to fondle your boobies? My Blackberry is on...

Meet Max Thrust

2007-03-25T13:36:00.000-04:00

I'm working on a new character. Meet Max. Max Thrust...

My suit? Luigi Borrelli Napoli ($3800). My Shirt? Lorenzini ($295). Tie? Massimo Bizzochi ($195). Pocket square? Ermenegildo Zegna ($70). I'm sitting in front of a half consumed Bombay Saffire and tonic and a Colossal Lump Crabmeat Cocktail. It's 1:30 and I just had lunch at the Palm. I'm Max. Max Thrust. I'm a lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

My lunch companion was a mellow opponent known affectionatetly among his intimates and colleagues on the hill as "The Saint." I know I didn't win him over with any of my slick repartee, but perhaps just maybe I pushed him onto the fence with regard to changing the 2257 Regulations. How were we supposed to know that his sixteen year-old daughter wasn't legal? She sure looked legal to me in that wet t-shirt contest in Cabo that was filmed by "Wild Girls of Spring Break." Let me put it this way, she sure looked like she knew wat she was doing. Especially later at the hotel room. Shit. And the Saint thinks she was in Alabama doing a stint for Habitat for Humanity. This could get ugly fast.

Not wanting to go back to work right away, I head up to the bar and sit next to an attractive blonde. I size her up. Shes wearing a $600 Jovovich-Hawk and a pair of $500 Barbara Bui sandals.

I know women. Women like honesty. Especially in DC. I introduce myself. Max meet Regina. Regina St. Germaine. I offer to buy her a drink. A cosmopolitan. She accepts. I offer my services. "Regina, I want to put my penis in your vagina. I want to put it in your vagina and swirl it around," I say. She accepts. She says, "ok lets go back to your place so you can swirl your penis around in my vagina."

"There's no time. I have to get back to work. How about I swirl my penis around in your vagina in the bathroom?"

She says, "Sure." Enthusiastically.

As I limp back to the office, I'm sucking on a mint and picking pubic hair and crabmeat from between my teeth and thinking about my next conquest. Could it be you?

He gets letters:

"Gimmie a break!!!"

"Are you back? Max Thrust is a little more (ahem) forward than Mr. Banana."

SWM wants two women

2007-03-20T17:44:00.000-04:00

My two woman fantasy!

I've had lots of great fun through the years with one woman, but have never been with two women at the same time. I don't consider myself kinky or anything. I just have been thinking about this more and more, and would LOVE to finally experience this. Call it a fantasy or something. It starts like this: One woman is cleaning my apartment, because it is very dirty. Another woman is cooking me dinner. Neither of these women are nagging me to get off the couch and stop watching TV, go to the gym and get in shape, wishing that I made more money, had a better job, better apartment, nicer car, bigger penis, liked musicals, chick flicks, and all the other things women want from their men. Also, there is no drama between the two of them. They actually like one another and aren’t competitive the normal way women can be.

So...if you are a great looking single woman with a girlfriend (or you and your great looking twin sister!!!) who is as hot as you are, this educated fella wants to get together with you soon. My apartment is really dirty and I am very hungry! Please send a photo with your response.

When's the last time you wanted to kiss this man?

2007-03-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

Cheaters (permalink)...

First he holds the door for you, then your chair, then he offers to hold your breasts saying stuff like "I'll be your bra for you" then he makes you laugh...and think...and laugh some more...and think even more...then laugh again...You realize this guy really makes you laugh...and think...and some more...and think some more...maybe even you're thinking about laughing? You want to kiss him.

Single guy here who seeks just that sort of attraction. Looking for just one or more women who miss laughing and thinking...and may need a "hand-bra" sort of arrangement. Please be swf and email me. I'm tall, nice looking, well read and traveled and don't take myself too seriously. Turn-0ns? Lauging and thinking. Turn-offs? Scowling and not thinking. Thanks.

He gets letters:

"nice add (mt.pleasant)

who knows, if you send a picture or two, and some "stats" we may even get a couple of drinks tonight. it is only 6:46 pm and i live around the corner. smiles,"

Erotic Ouija

2007-03-15T19:29:00.000-04:00

Weirdo (permalink).

There's just something so erotic about Ouija isn't there? Your fingers are placed on a planchette which then moves about a board covered with numbers, letters and symbols so as to spell out messages. So what if Ouija is a trademark for a talking board currently sold by Parker Brothers? All I can remember is that Tawny Kitaen was hot in "Witchboard."

I'm a very attractive, very fit, intelligent, educated guy in my mid-30s who'd love to make contact with attractive Tawny Kitaen-type girls whose interest may be peaked by this post and are willing talk about Ouija or similar fantasies. Come on . . . I know you're intrigued. Ouiga. Yes. No. y-o-u w-e-a-r s-e-x-y u-n-d-e-r-p-a-n-t-s. U-n-c-l-e R-o-n l-i-k-e-s s-o-u-p. M-y p-e-n-i-s i-s s-m-a-l-l. Pics available to trade.

Seeking QUALITY relationship with QUALITY girl who shares VALUES

2007-03-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

email me if interested.

He gets letters:

"Hi my name is Helen and I am 22 years old. I am originially from New Orleans, I just graduated in December. I love to read, explore, go out to eat, try new things. I am new to the area so I am trying to meet new people. I hope to hear from soon

"Hi! Interesting picture. What kind of values do you want to share? What are your likes and dislikes? What do you like to do? E-mail me back at XXX if you like. I would be glad to send you a picture of me if you are interested."

Mr. BananaHammock’s smoky glare can rejuvenate your vagina

2007-03-07T17:46:00.000-05:00

Normal posters on craiglist are getting so dull. No material. Drat. Never fear. A friend called attention to a recent article in the Washington Post on vaginal rejuvenation coming to the DC area. Vaginal rejuvenation a la Dr. 90210! I had to write an ad...

Waking up around seven AM this morning in my Adams Morgan compound, I glance up to the mirrors over my bed and take it all in -- muscle mass, density, ripped definition, intensity, stamina, endurance, mental focus, dignity, flair, and humility. I shower. While I am air drying I read the Washington Post and treat myself to a breakfast of Sea Turtle Eggs Benedict with Emperor Penguin bacon. I was it down with a glass of breakfast wine. I put on my Carla Behrle leather pants. No shirt. I head out for the Orange Line for my morning commute.

When I hit the platform at Farragut West I notice that I am not alone. Tons of lovelies on the platform. I give them a few poses before the train arrives: Front Double Biceps, Front Lat Spread, Side Chest, Back Double Biceps, and signature Back Lat Spread. You can tell they are getting hot. A brown haired woman nearly faints before she can grab for the ceiling of the train. I suspect my pheromones are overpowering her ability to balance. Others react differently. A green-eyed blond starts grinding her ass into my banana hammock and doesn’t stop until she gets off at Foggy Bottom. I give her my smoky glare. No doubt her vagina feels rejuvenated.

After work, I stop in at Tryst, flex for the ladies and grab an iced-double-half-calf-mocha-latte-something-or-another with a shot of baby fur seal Somatotrophin and settle into a big overstuffed couch with this week’s New Yorker Magazine. A woman stops by to talk. She wants to talk about my man on woman sensuality. She’s all, “as being fully functioning and very alive female I have burning sensuality. You might be coming on too strong.” I’m all, “Too strong? I’m toning it down babe.” She doesn’t fully understand. I know that women have their own burning sensualities. I’m not trying to sell a product like my image and style. I’m just trying to let the people know that there is me and there are the New Age milquetoast metrosexual denizens of craigslist. I give her my smoky glare. She says her vagina feels rejuvenated.

Eating exotic and endangered animals. Riding Metro. Vaginal Rejuvenation. That is what I am about. Forget the E! Network’s “Dr. 90210” and his expensive Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation procedure. Mr. BananaHammock’s smoky glare can rejuvenate your vagina for free.

He gets letters:

"Dude....You're a fucking riot. I'm sure your posting will bring you a gazillion responses. I just wanted to take the time to personally thank you for brightening an impossibly dreary day. You should seriously consider writing a Mr. BananaHammock screenplay and trying to sell it. You're hilarious."

"that was funny. it just was ..I know you can't be serious, but you made me smile. good job."

Looking for girl who lives closer to my job so I can sleep in longer

2007-03-06T17:37:00.000-05:00

The title says it all....

The reverse commute is better than the commute, but it is still a commute. Mr. BananaHammock would never ever consider actually living anywhere but his Adams Morgan compound, unless of course there were little BananaHammock’s running around. The DC public schools suck after all.

What Mr. BananaHammock is looking for, however, is a nice girl who lives in the Falls Church/Dunn Loring area so that he can stay over at her place during the week and sleep in longer than he is able to currently given his reverse commute.

You can stay in his Adams Morgan compound on weekends and take advantage of his apartment’s location being stumbling distance from various bars and clubs on 18th Street. He can also provide you with lots of quality man on woman sensuality at either location.

He gets letters:

"Hrmm...you're an odd little man aren't you?"

I'd like to soil you. Or me. I can never get this one straight...

2007-02-28T19:39:00.001-05:00

Im a 37 SWM, happy, snappy, not (sometimes) nappy but crappy, and oops, kind of sappy. I'm easy on the eyes, legs, and shoulders. It'll be easy going down on me, looking for friendship and romance is good, but I like a pulse. I wanna to soil you and you'll get the same in return!

I have lots of pictures to exchange...

Christian Massage - Oil, Candles, Jars of Clay CD

2007-02-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

I guess you cannot blame him for trying. And trying. And trying. And trying (permalink).

Single Christian male seeking a good Christian lady who believes sex is a shameful act against God except for making babies. I live alone with a complete collection of Davey and Goliath videos. I attend church on a regular basis, but have not met there what I am looking for: a white female virgin for some godly Christian massage with the intent of marriage and children. So I am trying this over the Internet. I believe a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, judging the unsaved.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of spirituality, and Jars of Clay's “Jars of Clay” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you and arousal balms for your nipples and genitals when our union is sanctified by Jesus. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations, but more than one glass could be a bad idea. Remember Noah (Genesis 9:21,24). Please be literate, attractive, thin, and love Jesus.

I have references you can call. Yes the pic is me. I have others that I can trade. I have one where I am at a Promise Keepers rally. I have another where I am throwing a molotov cocktail at a local abortion mill. You must also have pics. I am highly selective with regard to who I choose to rub in a Christian manner. We must also talk on the phone before meeting so I know you aren't a guy. I don't want to rub down a guy. It's against nature and an affront to God.

Not interested in Catholics, Presbyterians, Methodists, Episcopalians, Secular Humanists, Vegans, Europeans, or any other such cultists who might introduce me to exotic new ideas that might cause me to question my True Christian Beliefs. I will, however, pray for your quick end and a speedy journey to a very hot place, where you will be spending all eternity roasting in a literal lake of fire, Amen.

He gets letters:

"We are a group of single Christian women looking for a group massage because to do it one on one would be a sin. We attend church on a regular basis but secretly lust after a man who wants to massage us in an unChristian manner. It would also be nice if he could spearfish. We are very literate and attractive. Some are whiter than others. Some are thinner than others. But we all love Jesus. We also believe that a man and a woman should spend time together in prayer, on thier knees, naked and prostate before God.

We prefer sandalwood and jasmine scents. One of us is amazingly musical and writes her own praise music. In addition to Jesus we also love Sufijan Stevens and Striper.

Franzia is so not acceptable to God. We like a good bottle of wine.

We are Anglicans (no Episcopalians, thank you very much!), Mennonites (peace loving Anabaptists) and non denominational Protestants (do we know any Catholics???) and get this, some of us, date non-Christians. Some of us make out regularly with non Christians but we only rub in a Christian manner with men who could be our husbands. Read: Proverbs 31.

If you think you can handle us and only all of us (because we only group date), write us back."

Looking for my REAL DOLL™ who will do what I want SEXUALLY - Asian

2007-02-18T13:20:00.000-05:00

A friend put it better than I ever could:

"I'm surprised that he didn't just go ahead and tell us what her perfect woman's name should be. Talk about picky. I see what he gets out of this, but what is he offering the perfect woman, beyond the opportunity to cook, clean up after him and cater to his every sexual whim...I particularly like that should the woman of his dreams insist on working after the first date, accounting would be a good field...."

Accounting? (permalink)

I am looking for a committed relationship with a REAL DOLL™. She is always committed to doing everything I want whenever I want. She will be cute with large breasts and purple hair and Asian. Her skeletal system will be too flexible and collapsible to allow her to stand upright and she'll have the poise and relaxed state of a sleeping girl. My special girl will have "natural" looking silicone rubber skin that can withstand over 400 degrees of heat without melting, and she will be able safely support over 400 lbs though I am much thinner than that. Where are you, baby?

Mr. Bananahammock says "Be my Valentine, Bitch!"

2007-02-13T15:59:00.000-05:00

~ flagged and removed by craigslist "bitches" ~

Single man seeking woman to practice his coitus skills on

2007-02-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

Partially inspired by a weird post I think was flagged and removed, the gentleman was looking for a surrogate to have his baby but his wife wasn't too happy about the whole thing or something.

Hi

I once read somewhere that before you can love another you have to learn to love yourself. With the aid of internet porn, that is exactly what I have been doing. I think I have finally learned to love myself correctly and am now ready to practice that love on another woman.

A little about me: 37 yrs old, 6’0” and about 172 lbs. I come from the Midwest. I speak two languages fluently, English and Michigander English. I also know some French, German, and Italian. I am quite skilled at cooking, watching television, crossword puzzling, and napping. I am also well practiced in loving myself with the aid of “barely legal” internet porn.

About you? I’m not sure. I figure someone around my age would be appropriate, but since I have be practicing my love on the imaginary barely legal variety of female I’m not sure if there are physiological differences between 30 yr old women and 18 yr old women that would confuse me and interfere with my ability to practice my coitus skills on you. I trust you to know better than I do, being a woman and all. You, not me, right? Anyway, I guess you should be nice to look at. Also, you should probably know what coitus is so that you can coach me if I’ve got my knee somewhere it isn’t supposed to be or my hand accidentally ends up in the wrong place, etc. I mean, I don’t want to end up sticking my penis in your belly button and I’m thinking we’re having unsafe sex that would result in pregnancy. That would freak me out!

PLZ! only attractive WHITE females that are able/willing to allow me to practice my coitus skills on.....

Thx for your time

36 Hours To Find My Mate

2007-02-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

I'm sure this one will be flagged by the cl community....

Many women feel as though ED is somehow their fault. It is. Your body continues to go through many changes as you reach midlife, possibly causing you to face some sexual dysfunction. Problems with sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, and sexual pain (dyspareunia) may all occur owing to hormonal and other changes at menopause. Surgical procedures in the pelvic area can also affect the nerves and blood vessels leading to the vagina and hinder sensation for arousal. Vaginal dryness is a typical concern of many women after menopause. Also, unlike men, you grow much uglier with age. That is why I've just taken a CIALIS®. I would prefer a much younger woman with which to have intercourse considering all of the above, but will be able to successfully mate with an older, unattractive woman for up to 36 hours provided you bring enough lubricants.

Perhaps afterward we can relax and hold hands in adjoining clawfoot tubs in a meadow or take a nice walk through a vineyard.

He gets letters:

"You might want to try the six flags bus."

My weakness is your boobies

2007-02-01T17:50:00.000-05:00

I must possess your EYES! Creepy (permalink).

Yes, in spite of what you might hear about men, we are all not alike. When I first look at a woman, I look at her boobies.

I come home from a hard day of shift work at the spelling and punctuation factory. I’m exhausted because the exclamation point (!) feeder bin is jammed again, so I have to push the emergency stop button and climb on the machinery and clear the feeder with a broom handle. Then the foreman starts yelling at me because I’m slowing down production (like it’s my fault, friggin’ machinery) and there is a shortage of exclamation points and that there’s a vital need for exclamation points over at craigslist M4W, and if they run out, what are they going to use, question marks??? Not likely.

So I tell the foreman that I am going to stick this broom handle where the sun don’t shine. Of course not where the sun don’t shine on me, but where the sun don’t shine on him. And he turns all red and steam starts pouring out of his ears and I say if he don’t like it, he can take it up with the shop steward. The factory is a union shop, after all, and I’m not taking any guff from management without the presence of my union rep.

Ok, so back to your boobies. If your boobies have that special shape, and they jiggle when you laugh, or bounce wildly when you jump up and down because you’re not wearing a sports bra, I am just in heaven. Of course there are other parts of you and your body that are important, just not to me. Some people like to know that their woman has a head. Not me. I couldn’t care less. Except for your mouth, as long as you’re not using it to talk. The rest of your body? Well, okay, let’s say slim to average.

Your boobies are thrust forward when we meet, your cleavage like a sort of vertical smile. Your boobies know when I’ve been a bad boy and know that bad boys need to be punished by being smothered by your boobies. Your boobies don’t care that I am a 37 year old white guy who acts like a 22 year old white guy. Your boobies are the first thing I visualize when we speak over the phone. I close my eyes and imagine that you’re rubbing them with baby oil or Cetaphil® Moisturizing Lotion, which by the way, contains a superior system of extra-strength emollients and humectants, clinically proven to bind water to the skin and prevent moisture loss, which is important because they can become chapped from all the kissing and licking, right?

Anyway, so I come home after a long day at the spelling and punctuation factory and I check out your boobies, which almost seems to brighten my day. I get fully brightened after I motorboat ‘em. Then you fetch me a beer. As we sit on the sofa and eat dinner off of TV trays, I grope your boobies which appear pale from the soft glow of the television set. With one hand on my beer, the other on the remote, we sit on the sofa and watch American Idol. Well, you’re watching American Idol. I’m staring at your boobies.

It's your boobies.

You Think You Got It Goin' Like A Turbo 'Vette?

2007-01-30T17:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just have to brag yourself up to get attention...

To all the people that "THINK" they got it goin’ like a turbo ‘vette.....NOT. You really don't. Or at least you don’t got it goin’ like I have it goin’. A little about me... I'm ¼ French (America), ¼ German (America), ¼ Scot (America), and ¼ string cheese. I am highly cultured and knowledgeable about when it is proper to sit and when it is proper to stand. I know about the escargot fork. I know about the soup knife. I am adept at juggling multiple priorities. I keep up on fashion, politics, and hairstyles. I can create life-preserving devices out of duct tape, paper clips, and rubber bands. Crowds often gather around me when I walk around DC and ask me for advice on a variety of topics, most related to lovemaking, of which I am an expert. I am bigger than a bread box, smaller than a refrigerator, yet vaster than life itself. I can pinpoint my exact spot in the universe. I am grounded yet the laws of gravity don’t apply to me. I can see through your clothes and I like what I see. Men want to be me, their women want to be with me, and evildoers fear me. I can do the frug. I can do the Robocop. I can do the Smurf. I cannot, however, do the YMCA. I have personally calculated PI out to 7 decimal points. When I walk into a crowded room I am me with spontaneous applause. I can channel Elvis. I got it goin’ like a turbo ‘vette.

FORMER ART HISTORIAN LOOKING TO HAVE FUN WITH BITCHES

2007-01-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

A friend sent along a post from a former Marine that I has apparently been retired by the craigslist community for good reason. Nobody should be comparing their body parts to bottles of Gatorade® that measure less than 64 oz. (permalink)...

What's up bitches?!!! A friend of met some hot bitches on here so I'm giving it a shot. I'm 6 foot 1, 170 pounds, in ok shape, like stacking cheese, bling bling, and of course, bitches. Note the size of my foot compared to a 64 oz bottle of Gatorade® Berry Rain. You can only imagine the size of my shoes!!

He gets letters:

"You crack me up. I loved the Valentines Bitches title. I'm too old, so please don't torment me with a picture of your other foot, but I am curious about how many responses you get. Hard to believe you're still available."

"YOU ARE SO FUNNY What a "sexy sock" you have! LOL (Just please don't call me "Bitch" OK?) As I was very married when I had my only child, 23 years ago!!!(AND REALLY most chicks don't like being called THAT name, OK?)SO.................that being said, I am a cute/pretty in my own way, 51 year old DWPF. I am a Fine Artist as well! And a published poet! I own my own Condo in Reston VA and have one "roomie;" my kitty kat, "Osacr!" (Who REALLY owns it!) Rotten boy that he is! My only child, is a man,now and serving in the US of A Navy! He is very smart,and very handsome! He is now stationed in CA,and I hope he gets to Hollywood sometime to Act! (He is way cute!)Well, I NEED me a "Muse!" Could you be mine??????"

END YOUR SEARCH TODAY! Superhomme D’Amour for Triple-X Throwdowns!

2007-01-25T18:08:00.000-05:00

I think I am way more superhero than this joker. And not as long-winded either (permalink).

Me? Superhomme D’Amour

My fiction is your reality.
I consistently laugh at danger. HA! HAHA! HA! Consistency is important.
I perform great feats of manly strength on a daily basis.
I build things from IKEA without looking at the instructions.
I do not do the “bend-over boyfriend” thing.
I like to Triple-X throwdown whether or not baby got back
I show a person that I am interested by grunting and grabbing my crotch.
I see things you mortals cannot fathom.
I’ve been to France.
I appreciate fine dining. I ate most of my FRIDAY'S® THREE-FOR-ALL last night.
I make love like a bonobo.
I dance like a white guy.
I can see through your clothes and I like what I see.
I know your face is “up here,” it’s just that I’d prefer to talk to your breasts.
I want to bathe you and wash your hair.
I want to brush your teeth.
I want scrape your tongue with your tongue scraper.
I want you and I to exist as one. Perhaps we can be sewn together
I am like no other. I am a Superhomme D’Amour.

When we meet it is like you cannot keep your hands off of me. I don’t mind. You mention that we should move the party over to my place where you perform an exotic strip-tease that ends with me applauding and stuffing dollar bills into your g-string. I then make passionate love to you using the 5 or 6 techniques that I learned on the internet and that I’ve been practicing solo while viewing “barely legal” porn. Having satisfied you like no other man has before, you fall asleep all sweaty and exhausted. Maybe even a little sore. In the morning I buy you pancakes. I am a Gemini and love to receive oral sex while I’m watching sporting events. Can I rest my beer on your head?

I hope to hear from you if you are interested in getting to know each other.

Please reply with your photo. : )

He gets letters:

"Just wanted to say I have enjoyed reading your m4w posts. They are notthe usual and have made me smile. I can appreciate that in a cold, dankwinter. Best of luck in your search. Besitos!"

Attractive, athletic SWM seeks Sexy younger lady with awesome buttocks

2007-01-23T17:59:00.000-05:00

Ick. This guy wants you to be as old as his mom and for both of you to find the worship of your older mom boobs kinky. Ick. (permalink).

Hello, How are you ? Thanks for reading.

I'm looking for a sexy younger lady with nice firm buttocks. I love to watch as you bend over in a short skirt and ogle your young firm buttocks snuggled in silky underpants. I draw down your silky underpants with my hands or teeth or feet or something. Your buttocks are firm as I grasp them in my manly man-hands. I knead your buttocks. Look at me, I’m making bread! I then slap your buttocks as I wound a pair of bongos. I’m playing “Black Magic Woman” by Carlos Santana on your young firm buttocks! You love your buttocks to be kneaded and played like bongos. You may be young and that my playing your buttocks like bongos turns you on in a kinky way. You can't wait to get undressed in front of me to show me your young firm buttocks
You have fantasies about letting me knead and slap your buttocks. I am an attractive, 6'tall SWM in Adams Morgan.

Helpful questionnaire to forward to me pertaining your young firm buttocks and my possibly kneading and playing your young firm buttocks like a bongo…

Hi! I have

I would like you to

and I want to meet you

So that you can

And of course you have to copy and paste this into your email.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

2007-01-22T18:48:00.000-05:00

Res Ipsa Loquitor indeed (permalink). Will the ladies dig lorem ipsum?

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Sed fermentum feugiat enim. Vestibulum tristique, ligula vel molestie tempus, sem neque consequat elit, sed faucibus quam purus sit amet quam. Mauris volutpat congue ante. Nulla nulla. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Maecenas non enim nec velit vestibulum semper. Etiam viverra lacinia turpis. Nulla sagittis interdum risus. Curabitur iaculis augue ultricies ligula. Nullam convallis erat id nisl. Donec vitae enim. Praesent vel massa. Aenean ullamcorper. Vestibulum sollicitudin. Nulla facilisi. Nam cursus enim faucibus libero. Nullam consectetuer ultrices libero.

Quisque purus. In ut ante. Integer suscipit pede eget felis. Ut eros nisi, tristique sit amet, vestibulum a, tempus ac, tellus. Praesent magna. Donec quis eros at orci consequat vestibulum. Nam vestibulum commodo dui. Aliquam ac metus at ligula porttitor commodo. Nullam sed odio. Nunc mi lectus, vehicula et, scelerisque in, volutpat ac, lacus. In congue nisl. Aenean a nisi. Phasellus commodo nulla sed turpis. Sed sodales tellus vel risus suscipit sollicitudin.

Cras sapien ante, feugiat elementum, sagittis eget, bibendum sed, elit. Nullam sollicitudin massa quis velit. Nunc placerat. Donec blandit gravida tellus. Nunc dignissim rhoncus neque. Maecenas in orci et metus sollicitudin pretium. Vivamus arcu nisl, porta eget, posuere at, aliquam aliquam, massa. Vestibulum nunc nunc, feugiat ut, mattis id, auctor sed, neque. Etiam scelerisque orci at libero. Curabitur nisl urna, lacinia eu, congue id, accumsan sit amet, nibh. Aenean commodo ornare turpis!!!!!!

Dinner on me?

2007-01-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

Dinner on me! (permalink).

I made a very nice chunk of change this morning selling egg cartons decorated with glitter and various colored pipe cleaners on eBay (I make them at home in the evening). I'm looking to celebrate my newly-earned fortune with someone special by treating some lucky lady to drinks and a spaghetti dinner at some point in the not-too-distant future or you can come over to my house and watch a DVD and I’ll make you a spaghetti dinner.

I'm 6’0”, 170 lbs, and I like to think that with me there is possibly no room for improvement...You will probably have a hard time keeping your hands to yourself even without alcohol. Don’t worry, I won’t play too hard to get. I’ll even respect you afterward.

All I ask is that you be super hot, respond with a pic, and be ready to have sex with me. Like I said, don’t worry, I won’t play too hard to get. I’ll even respect you afterward.

I'm choosing who I'm treating, and no, I am not 2.

Have I made it??

2007-01-20T13:13:00.000-05:00

Yes. You sir have made it alright (permalink).

I went out last night, only to be confronted by very angry women, who were probably on their period or lesbians or feminists or something.....I'm a human being after all....we make mistakes......why can't people realize that? It's not like I seek out opportunities to hurt other people's feelings.

Anyway, I also went out to celebrate my new pay raise. I'm making like 7 figures (at least if you count the figures after the decimal point)....... a year. I'm the first person in my family to obtain a Masters Degree though my dad has an MD and my uncle has an honorary Ph.D. from his alma mater though his alma mater doesn't have an accredited graduate program (go figure), but it is a true statement that I'm the first person in my family to have a Master's Degree but those are frankly a dime a dozen in this town, but am I happy?....Umm....anyway, I'm talking to these angry man hating lesbian feminists who were out at the bar last night and were all extra mad and crampy because of their periods and I mention my seven figure salary and the fact that I'm totally highly educated and that I have a nice car and stuff and that I think that those jeans that they're wearing make their butts look big (all of their butts, mind you) and they cop attitude. What gives?

Anyway.... I'm not going out on the town anymore..... Only place I'll be going is around the town. Time to get in shape.... for a battle..... against militant crampy lesbian man-hating feminists.

TTFN

Let you help me out

2007-01-18T17:53:00.000-05:00

Request from a friend. Sorry I'm not posting the original. I think mine is better anyway.

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

Hi! I am a Seeking

and I want to meet you

at

So we can have

So, I'll want to

OK, got it? Now, since you can't hit "Submit", you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle that?).

The way I see things....

2007-01-17T18:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a fella has to brag himself up a bit...

I am fully conversant on stuff and things and can talk about either without hesitation. Strangers compliment my hair style regularly. Crowds gather to watch me parallel park and erupt in spontaneous applause at my efforts. I’m generally gracious and hand out as many autographs as are requested. I have a large collection of barely legal porn because it was once said that before you can love another you have to be able to love yourself. I routinely perform ritual male tests of strength including changing the empty water bottle on the water cooler and lifting full boxes of paper over my head. But I’m also sensitive. Watching “She’s Having a Baby” has been known to make me weepy. Squirrels and birds alight on my outstretched arms when I walk through Rock Creek Park. Men want to be me. Women want to be with me. Evildoers fear me. I have been known to eat an entire sandwich in only one sitting. I am bilingual. I speak both standard English and Michigan-English: “You guys wanna go to Winzerr and catch’da Canadian ballay?” – “Would you like to go to a strip club in Windsor?” I know several traditional wedding dances, including the Electric Slide, the Tush Push, and the YMCA. Tourists frequently ask me for directions, trusting me with their very lives.

A great man, me, once said all slurry: “They put tha panties in the glove box and make lotsa money.” I was drunk. I couldn’t remember the joke, but I think that might have been the punch-line. Done with the head games, lies, and childish deception.

Hi Sexy! I want to get Sexy with you!

2007-01-17T18:00:00.000-05:00

Sexy! (permalink!)

Hi Sexy!

I've heard Craigslist is a pretty good way to meet sexamalicious ladies for a sexy time. I'm looking for some super-sexy good times, but nothing dangerous or unsafe, just sexiness. No Chlamydia or stuff like that, just your sexiness and my sexiness getting all sexy and stuff safely and without harm.

I'm a sexy SWM, let me know if you are interested, I have sexy pictures of myself to exchange like the one down below. Stay sexy!

Ladies Beware of Mr. BananaHammock

2007-01-16T17:59:00.000-05:00

Someone was warning earlier on craigslist of a new scam from Nigeria: The Nigerian Gentleman Scam. He's not really a gentleman, but he lulls you into a stupor with his sexy Nigerian accent and then juggles you with about 4 other women. Unfortunately I couldn't get the post before it disappeared...

This guy comes off a cocksure expert of man on woman sensuality who is totally against monogamy. His first conversation normally starts with him telling you how he drinks only Goldschlager® in order to enhance his inner “bling.” He’ll also mention his big rotating bed and the mirrors on the ceiling of his bedroom. He states he only eats endangered animals. He’ll offer to sign your breasts with his “Mr. Sharpie.” Low and behold this is how he reels you in.

He is a pathological liar! For instance, beaver is NOT endangered!

He only knows 5 sex moves which he learned about on the internet. He’s a serial monogamist. Watch out for this smooth talking Michigander.

LOOKING TO PERFORM FOR A WOMAN

2007-01-16T17:51:00.000-05:00

LOOKING TO PERFORM FOR A WOMAN (PERMALINK).

Would love to put on a performance for any women interested in just being an observer...I’m getting blown by the wind...I’m trapped in a box...I’m climbing a rope...touching encouraged.

Eproctophiliac Seeks Taco Bell Date

2007-01-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

Another Fetish Guy (permalink).

Do you like eating lots of refried beans and have someone smell you farts? Do you have trouble finding guys that will tolerate your flatulance? Well, I'm all about your sweet, sweet butt gasses. YOUR farts. Let me breathe them in deeply, let me savor them like the bouquet of a fine wine. Either way, I will help you enjoy yourself to your hearts content.

No reciprocity is seeked. No other sexual contact wanted. (Maybe some kissing is okay, but up to you.) Let me feast upon your gassy boutiforous emanations.

I'm a 37 year old, clean professional white male. You should be clean, classy, and highly gassy. Marital status, race, age are all unimportant to me.

Write me soon! Serious people only please. No Beano. No freaks.

NO HATERS!!!

2007-01-09T17:54:00.000-05:00

That's just how I roll...

Love Me Tender

2007-01-09T17:51:00.000-05:00

Collaboration with the Phantom of the Bordello. Enjoy.

Snarling, snappish SWcircumcisedM (slightly over-exposed) internet porn star seeks malleable princess of the roadway for purely long-term relationship with the potential of planting my seed as I’ll need someone to mooch off of in my decrepitude. Must be clean, shorn, fit, charismatic, and photogenic. You should love watching movies, hiking, sleeping, traveling, Starbucks, and posing naked for extended periods of time. You’ll want to accompany me to the Hwy 127 Corridor Sale on route to Graceland for the Elvis Impersonation Contest in August.

I'm fun, outgoing, vulnerable, but dog-gone it, people like me. You might call me "special"! but not in the “I ride the short bus” sort of way. Don't get me wrong - I am not looking for ewe to be a sugar mama, I can pay my own way unless you insist on it being otherwise. Please don't be married, currently involved, or have your own self-worshiping website, but if you do, at least have the decency and dignity to lie your ass off about it.

For approval, please submit: query letter, resume, dental records, driving record, court transcripts, TB test and vaccination records (including Footrot, Coccidiosis, Urinary Calcali, Bacterial meningitis, distemper, and kennel cough), W-4s for the past 5 years, ticket stub from at least one play, gallery exhibit, or county fair attended in the past 6 months, 4H awards, and completed Cosmo, Vanity Fair, and Suffolk Daily quizzes, and be prepared to operate heavy "equipment."

Your pic will get you 320,983 of mine.

Snippets of a Relationship - 2.0

2007-01-08T17:43:00.000-05:00

Retread and Update...

Driving day-trips down leaf-covered country roads, me driving and singing along off-key, at the top of my voice to Belle and Sebastian, Rilo Kiley, and Neko Case. You laughing at me, hair in the wind, bare feet up on the dash. Me screaming at you, “Get your fucking feet off my dash. The upholstery is light beige you know…”

Me, “No, we’re not lost. And no, I’m not stopping at that gas station for directions.” You, arms crossed and scowling…

You, “Why do have to be so passive aggressive?” Me, later, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush…

You, “Let’s go see Dream Girls tonight.” Me, “You’re joking, right? Right? Right?”…

Us having sex. Me behind. You, “Ow! Watch it. I told you no anal.” Me, lying, “Sorry. It was an accident…”

Again, us having sex. Me behind. Me, “Boy, that is one big pimple. Does it hurt?” Me, poking at it with my index finger.

You, getting dressed. Me. Groping your breasts. You, putting on your make-up. Me, groping your breasts. You, driving. Me groping your breasts. You, watching The Office. Me, groping your breasts…

Me, “Ever seen a one-eared elephant?” You, “No.” Me, turning the pocket of my jeans inside out while my penis is hanging out of the fly. Your mother not looking very amused…

Breakfast before work. You complaining about something work related and seeking comfort. Me providing constructive advice. You getting angry. Me saying “What?”…

Reading to/doing crossword puzzles with each other in bed. I fart and pull the covers over your head, trapping you underneath. Me laughing. You really pissed off…

You, “The computer is crashing again. Were you looking at porn?” Me, again lying, “It’s not me. It’s that damn Microsoft. Let’s get a Mac…”

Me, “Wanna have sex?” You, “I’ve got my period.” Me, “How about a blow job then?”…

Cooking together, me telling you to get out of my kitchen, you’re not doing it right, you sulking and watching the TV, trying not to cry...

Shopping together, you trying on 14,000 different pairs of jeans, me holding your purse getting really fed up, wishing I was anywhere but here, but preferably watching a football game...

If my idea of a great relationship can be condensed into a series of non sequiturs, these would be some of the images you might see. I’m 6’ and 172 and pure fun. I’d prefer a woman with her head screwed on straight, but never having actually met one, I’m not too picky in that department.

He gets letters:

"that is one of the most interesting ads ever. Well, not all of it -the part where you are cleaning the toilet with the toothbrush sounds really really scary eeew eeww!"

"your ad made me simultaneously want to kiss you and throttle you. i hope its the former and not the latter though. drinks, hookah, soup?"

How do this sound foxy womans............

2007-01-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

So much wrong with ad. Olive Garden! (permalink).

Saturday evening go out to T.G.I. Friday's® to have POTATO SKINNY DIPPERS or FRIDAY’S® TOSTADO NACHOS and some good fun!! Then go to nice club for to dance!! I’m good dance. Come on I know it foxy womans on here!! We party good!!

Morning Fantasy Menu (Pick one)

2006-12-30T13:39:00.000-05:00

Fraught with eroticimisity (permalink)!

1. You make me pancakes (Mmmmm....pancakes)
2. Two words: Dutch Oven (it's pretty funny you got to admit)
3. You clean my apartment (it's a bit messy)
4. Pull my finger (just pull it, damnit!)
5. Morning breath make-out (my favorite)
6. Can I touch your boobies? (I like boobies!)
7. Strip dreidel (Nes Gadol Haya Sham!)
8. I really like boobies (Boobies!)
9. I can pleasure you with my Sharper Image® Hot + Cold Therapeutic Massager…
10. You tell me _____________________________________________?

He gets letters:

"I choose option 1. But i think you should cook - and then serve breakfast in bed."

i want to play poker with Jesus and his disciples

2006-12-29T15:25:00.001-05:00

More I want. I want. I want (permalink).

I just saw the Da Vinci Code and was thinking how cool it would be to kick it with Jesus and a six-pack of Corona.

i want to be a Hulk-like creature that terrorizes teletubbies

2006-12-29T15:21:00.001-05:00

I want. I want. I want (permalink).

I really hate those little fuckers.

He gets letters:

"Indeed, an entire generation has been damaged by the teletubic scourge upon our nation!"

Cerebral-Tsar seeks Tsarina: woman for a man REPLETE with Smartiosity

2006-12-29T13:34:00.000-05:00

If your going to go on and on about how intellectual you are, please please spell-check before posting. Please? (permalink)

I'm not sure there are many women that share a similar sized brain-pan as I trolling craigslist, but I figure if there are, it'll put the ball in your court. I've wasted too much time with intellectual inferiors who don't know the difference between rational and natural numbers or even old formula coca-cola versus new formula coca-cola for that matter. Sycophants are great. But I have plenty and I tire of their incessant drooling over my intense intellecualnessment. I'm not looking for more women to worship me as a god. Heavens know I've got too many of these “hangers-on” already. I'm interested in dating and relationships. I'm interested in seeking out and exploring what my lessers seem to find so engaging.

I'm 37. White. A former grad student in Art History. I'm funny (I'll tell you a joke if you want but you probably will not get it because I am much smarter than you. Trust me, it's true), confident in ways you will never understand, and I will point out your errors and misjudgments, if only to help you be a better person. I love to cook, read, write, think grand thoughts, and look down on you. There's also a part of me that loves the baser parts of the culture we share: para-bungee-sailing, extreme moto-golf, and “dancing” the YMCA..

I like intelligent women. VERY intelligent women, on the order of IQs well over 100. Most women want smart, but not too smart. I'm very intellectual. I'm not arrogant or stuck-up, just honest about your intellectual inferiority to me. I chose this path of condensation over some very good law schools, medical schools, and even a certain Clown College located in Sarasota, Florida that will remain nameless because I don't like to brag. If you can't understand why someone would do that, I'm not for you.

I'm very liberal. Don't bother if you're conservative. I have European heritage but I'm not European.

I've traveled a lot: all over Michigan, Northern Virginia, Maryland, and even parts of Florida. I spent one summer at a sleep-over camp in Northern Michigan and didn't even once cry for my mommy. Good times.

He gets letters:

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers are so adorable. I just want to cuddle you."

"I posted an ad today please read below if you are interested please respond with a picture. By the way your ad doesn't [sic] intimitate me - no man can tell me he is smarter then me..."

Leaving work early, I want to munch on some beaver

2006-12-28T17:07:00.000-05:00

MWM hungry for pussy (permalink). I hunger for beaver...

170 lb, 6'1" white guy, home alone later today, very hungry!

Do you like your man hairy?

2006-12-21T16:23:00.000-05:00

Shout out to hairy men everywhere (permalink).

Sexy 70s hairy man here looking for a gal that appreciates a hairy guy. I have very soft back hair that you could rub your fingers through and maybe even cornrow after we are done with the hours of super hot and sweaty man on woman lovemaking that we will be doing if I sound like someone you would like to hit up for bedroom fun. Think of me as your own personal human sweater.

He gets letters:

" eeeeewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Are you a Scientologist?

2006-12-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

Got Church? (permalink)

I am a single, never married white dude, 72.5 inches tall, brown hair, brown eyes.

Being “clear” is a requirement. Please no engrams, implants, or haters. Just be straight-forward and "normal"! My world is not incomplete, but it would be nice to share my world with someone crossing the bridge to total freedom.

My perception of an ideal relationship: Someone who believes that psychiatry was responsible for World War I, the rise of Hitler and Stalin, the decline in education standards in the United States, the wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, and the September 11 attacks. Also, you believe that Xenu was the alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Then the souls of these unfortunates clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Other than that, I am pretty flexible. If you are interested in any of these qualities, please feel free to inquire!

Yes, I can actually drag myself off my couch, take of the sweats and put on jeans, and head out to a smoky bar. Just let me spay myself down with AXE first. I am a huge fan of past life experiences! In one, I was deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful blonde with big bazongas, though the metal body probably should’ve tipped me off that something wasn’t right. Anyway, we’re frolicking naked in this field on the planet Venus and out of nowhere this Martian priest driving a zamboni crushes me and my robot girlfriend. I wonder what I learned from that experience?

I BELIEVE IN XENU! I would like to have someone that gets audited on a regular basis. No longer preclear friendly.

Blessings

Mr. Banana Hammock

(key words: Xenu, Hitler, robot girlfriends, zamboni)

White Male with amiable blackhead on chin

2006-12-20T17:57:00.000-05:00

Genial Herpes? (permalink)

Unlike a lot of white guys, who just go around with concealer and think its funny, I 'm looking to be upfront. So let’s talk.

Taste so good make a grown man cry

2006-12-19T18:02:00.000-05:00

I’m an enchanting, genial, dexterous, and wily single white male with brown hair and eyes and shoes. I’m 6ft 1 inch tall. I drink and smoke. I’m looking to quit smoking. No criminal record or children (that I am aware of anyway). I am writing a Toccata for the Oud and am designing toile depicting scenes from the life of Scott Stapp, former front man of Creed. My “safe” word is “OUCH!” Yes I’m a worshipper of Bael, as sort of spider-like deity with three heads, a cat head, a frog head, and then the head of a big-nosed guy with pointy ears and a crown (see below). I come from a family and I live in rough and tumble Adams Morgan, amid poets, writers, artists, junkies and NIMBYs. I have a great command of the English language and a large collection of those state quarters. The English language and those state quarters make the World go round. I have a lot to offer in a relationship (see “large collection of state quarters” above). Plus I’m completely trustworthy. I’m too lazy to cheat and a bad liar. A good catch as they say.

I’m looking for a LTR with a woman who lives near me, Adams Morgan, Dupont Circle, Woodley Park, Mt. Pleasant (see “lazy” above). Someone from one of the local neighborhoods. Seeking a woman who thin to average. If you’re into the clubbing scene and hitting the bars than I might be your guy. Age unimportant. Just be nice, funny, thin to average, democrat, middle of the roader, or independents, like clubbing or bars, live near me, attractive, maybe a glasses-girl, I like them, you also come from a family, like cherry pie, eat food I cook, like to do activities, not into boring things, like non sequiturs, like inside naked sports (premarital), maybe shout at TV at times, drunk dial, drunk emails, suntan naked, enjoy small children (since I act like one), stuff like that. Bonus if you’re into guys who a prone to ramble on incoherently.

Did you know that nematodes are the most numerous multicellular animals on earth? A handful of soil will contain thousands of them, many of which are parasites of insects, plants or animals.

i put the "gay" in sagacious. um, on second thought...

2006-12-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

i mean i put the “lube” in salubrious. or maybe I put the “sex” in sexamalicious! in any event, my life is a no-holds-barred mad-cap thrill ride, kind of like “the cannonball run” except without the star power or cars. i’m like a younger, moustache-less Burt Reynolds with the chest hair! i’m not capitalizing because my shift key is broken though everything should be spelled correctly. if you’re normally into good grammar, punctuation, spelling, that sort of thing, then i am your guy. if i'm attracted to you, that probably means you probably have commitment issues. or are thin. or are attractive. i’m working on that. i'm 6'1" (actually i'm just a hair under 6'1”). the women here on cl seem to have an obsession with my penis for some reason. his name is mr. mcgillicutty and sort of looks like darth vader from behind. i have a good job, a car, shoes and i like to play with children to impress single women of child-bearing age. i am looking for whatever.

Good or Bad Idea? Normal Only Please.

2006-12-18T18:21:00.000-05:00

Man seeks Catholic at Ruth's Chris Steak House on a Friday (permalink).

Hi,

I was reading through the ads this morning and I am wondering if this might be a place to meet a single normal female. Someone who would like to dress up in furry costumes and frolic in Rock Creek Park, maybe play tennis naked, or have an old fashioned Eskimo face-pulling competition, whatever, just hang out and see how things develop. Do normal people read these things or am I alone out here?

Well here is the vital info about me if you normal people are reading this. I am a single white male, never married and no children, looking for a LTR with a normal woman. I am normal. I am in descent shape and am about 6'1" tall, wish I could say 6'2” but not quite. I am honest, normally. If you are interested drop me a note and let's see what the next year has in store for us.

Merry Christmas.

∞ KOTEKA ∞ Top 10 cool things about wearing a koteka:

2006-12-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

SWM, I don't get you...(permalink)

Top 10 things about wearing a koteka (for men):

10. When everyone is sweating in their business suits during those hot and humid DC summers, you'll be cool as can be
9. You never have to "stuff" again!
8. You can get a budgie and no one knows
7. You'll probably get a whole car to yourself on Metro
6. Perfect for those formal embassy events, well Papua New Guinea embassy events anyway
5. No one mistakes you for a fashion victim
4. Great for your wedding photos, Christmas cards, High School reunions, whatever!
3. If you wear a double penis gourd, held up with a strip of cloth, you can use the space between the two gourds for carrying small items such as money and tobacco
2. (insert your favorite one here... email me)
1. It got your attention!

Looking for a Woman Beautiful on the Inside as She is on the Outside

2006-12-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

Of course I'll want to make sure...

He gets letters:

"LMAO too cute.....at least its not the COLD metal variety!"

"have no idea what your game is but your post cracked me the hell up! thanks for the laugh."

~flagged and removed by the craiglist community~

Bad Poetry Thursday: Zardoz

2006-12-14T17:50:00.000-05:00

Bad Poetry Thursday is back!!

Your distant future
My present
I am a brutal, an exterminator
I worship the stone head
Zardoz

Hidden deep within
The mouth of my god
I infiltrate Vortex Number 4
To find his true nature
Zardoz

I meet Arthur Frayn
Immortal
Fake god by occupation
Magician by inclination
Zardoz

Civilization's end
Immortality
Genetic manipulation
Artificial intelligence
Zardoz

Time control
Psychic power
Space travel
Zardoz is pleased
Stay behind my aura!

He gets letters:

"Aw man, that is bad. I was re-creating that movie in my head the other day as if it were made in this day and age. It wasn't any better. Can't believe I watched it all the way through."

I think what I think. I hate you all. I hate you all. Including me...

2006-12-14T17:47:00.000-05:00

Liberal? Not overeducated enough? Like short dudes? Call me (permalink).

From the title of this post, some would say I’ve seen the movie Zardoz one to many times, but I think I haven’t seen the movie Zardoz enough. Does that make sense? If it does to you, we should talk. If you think there's no such thing as being too gassy, either, we should definitely talk. If you think the movie Zardoz is the greatest movie ever, as well as that Sean Connery is the source of all contemporary wisdom, we should just go ahead and move in together: maybe we should do “it” first. Bonus points if you know the reference in the title! It’s from Zardoz!

Now for my awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, Zardoz-like, flavoriscious stats: single white guy, 6'1, squishy 170, dark hair & eyes. I have hair. I'm looking a woman with assorted qualities of which I’m not actually certain. Interested? Don't bother spamming me--I won't fall for it! And as Zardoz said, “The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!”

Women are just plain superdooperficial

2006-12-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

Wow. Bitterness. How's that workin' for you? (permalink).

You cannot disagree with me because it is the truth. Look it up. Women are just plain superdooperficial. I am not the greatest looking guy in the world but I am probably second best. I am a real catch. Intelligent, tall, and fast. I can run circles around you. Literally. You will take one look at me and imagine what it is like being with me. My icy stare will make your uterus will ache. Your parents will love me. More than you probably. You will desire my man-love raining down on you. Too bad you cannot have me. I value beauty inside as well.

Ex-Playa Who Has Matured

2006-12-12T18:01:00.000-05:00

Two arms waiting to embrace heaven guy has a new schtick. He's no longer a player....(permalink).

Are you a young professional woman who is: thin, nice legs, wicked smat, sense of humor, etc. You are hot on the outside and hot on the inside. You’re looking for tall, brooding glasses guy who doesn't play games. I'm a former playa that's ready, willing & able to be in a healthy, happy and committed relationship! My E.Q. is now at the same level as my I.Q. We could rent “An Affair to Remember” or “Love Story.” Interested?

6'1"
170 lbs.
Single.
No bull poop.

Here’s my pic.

Catch me B4 I have no mor har

2006-12-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

WTF? (permalink).

Intelectal Male searches women who r licked to being tuched in their scared spaces...Why? Not sure. But, also lick tuching brists no matter what binges. For years i kept myself away from u ladies. Now you are lucky I have moved to make myself available to tuch ur brists and scared space! Lets make friction for warmth of man 2 girl hot sexiness in this cold weather...Gosh it is cold is'nt it?---I can tuch ur brists, rite?

Looking for a one night stand that might lead to more.

2006-12-07T17:51:00.000-05:00

Very high ick factor. Thanks, fellow in snark, for pointing this guy out to me (permalink). I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

MY RULES

1. First we soak in my champagne flute-shaped hot tub so this way we know we are each clean
2. We wear protection. I wear a raincoat. You wear galoshes
3. We climb into my big round rotating bed. It has satin sheets and mirrors so we can watch ourselves makin’ “it”
4. My sheet are clean except for a small blood stain which happened when I hit my head on my vanity while my bed was rotating…ouch that hurt
5. You live close to me because I’m lazy
6. You can spell finished. shepherd, and fetuses
7. You like indie rock and other forms of music
8. Hoobastank is not indie rock or even another form of music
9. You are not married
10. You’re a cute, intelligent, female of average to thin build
11. You wear socks under your galoshes (or not), it is up to you
12. If you’re answering any phone calls while we have sex I must not be doing something right
13. No answering the door while we have sex unless you are under 5’2” and 120lbs. I probably cannot carry more than that over a long distance while we are having sex
14. No mental cases who try to get a restraining order on me after I dump them. I broke up with you after all. Why would I bother stalking?
15. No other mental cases either. You know who you are
16. You can make smell of female funk in my apartment but keep in mind my apartment smells mostly of man funk and those Glade® PlugIns® things. I believe the current scent is “Suddenly Spring™” or something like that.
17. We will oral each other (or not). I’m big on rules.
18. After sex we can lie in bed and watch a DVD or something or order Chinese or pizza or sushi.
19. Email or phone ok
20. Picture appreciated
21. If you think I am handsome or something let me know. I like compliments
22. BONUS if you like guys who smoke. I’m trying to quit, but I’m not quite there yet. See #15 above
23. BONUS if you are a glasses-girl
24. BONUS if you are an indie rock girl
25. If you want to record, I’ve got a digital camera. I insist on writing the dialogue though
26. I’m won’t do the “bend-over-boyfriend thing” but you can stick your finger in my butt if you wish. I won’t try to guilt you about trying anal sex.
27. You don’t need to be perfect. I’m not. Though I prefer thinner women.
28. My coworkers called me self-absorbed the other day. I replied that it reminded me of the time where I was having sex in my rotating bed and I was checking out my hair in the mirrors and this girl said, “you are so self-absorbed.” Truth be told, we were making a movie with my camera and I thought that I wanted my hair to look good. I had written some great dialogue and I was filming this movie. I had forgotten to check my hair before I started to “roll film” and I was just making sure my hair looked good. What’s the big deal?

NUDE PICTURES SENT TO ME will be used in fantasy masturbation scenarios. Just warning you...

Corporeal Compatibility Consideration, Cultivating Connections

2006-12-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

Riffing on a guy (who deleted his post before I could archive it) while trying something new...illiteration!

I am concerned about considering my corporeal compatibility with a comely coquette I chance upon Craigslist. I am clever, comical, committed, charming, and cute. I covet coming across a comely coquette with consistent characteristics, and I crave our connection to consider carnality continually. If we are corporeally/carnally compatible, we can continue our criminally carnal courtship clear of the commencing “catechization.” Of course, and did I cite my first-class coition capabilities.

So you can be considered for this chance, please:

1. Be a comely coquette
2. Quarter conveniently close (Adams Morgan)
3. Convey a copy of your countenance.
4. Construe your constitutional characteristics if the copy of your countenance isn't complete

Cheers,
Craig

Fantasy

2006-12-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

So many fantasies...(permalink).

I am a single guy but also have this fantasy that involves having sex with an attractive woman before I die.

Are you one of them?

For the love of God, deflower me….

He gets letters:

"Hi, I was bored and reading craigslist. i just wanted to say hi and that you're cute, i seriously cant believe that you're a virgin. well ok, bye"

hey ladies

2006-12-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

Just reading between the lines here...(permalink).

hey ladies what's up? im a 6' 170 lb. male with poor grammar and punctuation skills.. just "looking" for a good time.. "sex" is a plus: but by no means is "required"; im just looking for an attractive, fun, fit female who shares similar interests as me.. my "main" interest is "sex"! send me your 'pic' and ill send you "mine"? im not "built" or "athletic", definetly not "super large".. and not "super small" either.. hopefully you can accept "that".. perhaps we could meet up and discuss our main interest, which is "sex."

ONE ARM AWAITING TO EMBRACE HEAVEN !

2006-12-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

What in god's name is his title supposed to mean, anyway (permalink)?

With my other arm I am practicing mime!!!I I'm trapped in a box! Now I'm walking against the wind!!!!! Now I'm climbing a rope ladder, though now I need both arms for this mime. About me other than my impressive mime skills? I am very passionate and love life. Being originally from Michigan, I've been known to wear flannel. I am still learning about women everyday. Did you know that women you've just met didn't like it when you groped their breasts in public? I didn't...until last night that is. Ouch! That sure hurt. Like most men, I have room for growth. Currently I am composing a toccata for the jew's harp, designing toile with scenes from the marriage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and I just finished a book called, "How to be an Adult in Relationships" written by this guy David Richo. I've been practicing "letting go of ego" which he recommends, and frankly, is probably a useful skill to have for a guy looking for a woman. I am 6'1" and 170 lbs of pure fella and looking for women of all age groups as long as those groups are younger than me. To be fair, you've seen mine, please show me yours!

For the love of God, someone please date my son!

2006-11-28T17:52:00.000-05:00

He's a nice boy.

He gets letters:

"For the love of God, Mom, please get your son off of CL. Buy him a subscription to eHarmony or something. "

Do the men in your life lack romance and sensuosity?

2006-11-26T14:10:00.000-05:00

The total package (permalink).

I'm a successful entrepreneur... I paste blue and green glitter, feathers, and colored pipe-cleaners on empty egg cartons and sell them on eBay as jewelry boxes. I am extremely self-confident. I strut to and fro with my chest thrust forward. Other men ask me for advice and directions when they are lost. When I walk into a room, people speak admirably about my style of dress. Women often ask my for fashion tips for the men in their life. Crowds applaud when I parallel park. I am warm. My current body temperature is 0.3 degrees above normal. I am intelligent. I know that the speed of light is 670,616,629.384 miles per hour (in a vacuum of course). I can ask for a beer in several European languages and can say thank you when I receive the beer (which I guess also makes me polite). I am respectful. I won't grope your breasts without first asking for permission. I will call your father sir and I won't smack your mom's buttocks when I meet them. Caucasian, brown eyes, brown hair, 6'1, 169 lbs., totally D&D free, confident without being self-possessed, good cook, big feet, and was once interviewed for a travel magazine who wanted to know how I liked the Parker House rolls at the Parker House in Boston. Photoshopping is a driving force in my life. I'm a dance battler in my private life, an award winning bungee golfer in a past life, and a MAed spy in the house of love in my public life. I won't be refused. I'm waiting for your heart's defection. I embrace the sensibilities of Dr. No. I have a strong reverence those who would surround themselves with sexy femme fatales while attempting to implement an evil plan of world domination.

You are an attractive, fit, intelligent blonde or brunette or redhead. You would delight in feeling the loving touch of a self-confident man of warmth, intelligence, respectulness and any other stuff that I mentioned in the paragraph above.

Would you like to get your hands on a true midwestern transplant? I can show you where I came from on my HAND! A caring adventure of mind and body coupled with a strong midwestern work ethic. I won't stop working until you reach...Bliss..

I'm very willing to entertain you inside and outside your body. I've learned at least four sex moves from the internet and have been practicing them for weeks on myself. Now willing to try them on women. Attractive, fit, intelligent women with hair. Erotic explorations. Affectionate kisses.

... A kiss on your lips.

A kiss on your neck.

A tongue in your ear.

A kiss on your lips again.

Then licking your entire face.

And pinch your nipple with one hand.

Remote control in the other hand.

We can escape the daily grind outside and do our own grinding inside. Converse on sacred spaces. Contemplate the nature of the Universe. Calculate PI. Discuss the TomKat wedding. Express our surprise at the Britney/Kevin breakup (We both thought they'd go the distance). Talk and laugh and hug and play. Roll around and laugh and laugh and laugh. Then start hiccuping. I'll gently stick my fingers in your ears while you drink a glass of water with your head tilted backwards.

Charlie Manson once said, “If you are going to do something, do it well. And leave something witchy.” Here's my pic. I'd love to see your pic. Let's do something.

i work ,i play ,i punctuate poorly .

2006-11-26T11:39:00.000-05:00

Ugh (permalink).

i think my shift key is broken , i am 6/1 brown eyes , i am well red . i work . i play . i am very active . i am twitching and bouncing up and down while i write this . i love starbucks . i love barely legal porn . please be some what fit . be also some what barely legal or above . under 6/1 ,also well red , have some what of a job or a trust fund . or an allowance is ok if you are barely legal . no drugs , drinker ok , smoker ok . drama ok . lets have cups of coffee and talk . are thier any nice girls out thier? i just want to start off slow , coffee drinks , alcohol ,quickie in bathroom. i do not want to sit in a loud bar all night with out a quickie in the bathroom . i love to walk , skip , hop , travel , tv sports . swim naked , laugh , movies . are you in hier? am i just wasting my time ? no longer psycho-friendly. also be of qualidy like me.

Sensuous Druidic Massage. Oil. Candles. Human Sacrifice. Free.

2006-11-23T12:51:00.000-05:00

Periodic massage poster. Answer only if hot and in shape. No men. No fatties. Totally non-sexual (permalink).

This is totally real. And yes they are totally free. Free tonight after I get back from a friend's Thanksgiving Day celebration. There are no hidden agendas. Non sexual. Just relaxation, pleasure and warmth. Then human sacrifice.

Are you stressed? Are you lonely? Are you female? Do you miss that special touch that makes you feel warm and gives you goose bumps? Are you turned on by guys in long flowing robes? Do round stone temples and phases of the moon make you hot? Have you ever had a slow, sensual, passionate massage with oil? Warmed Oil? With strong hands gliding slowly over your skin? Then ritually sacrificed to the Great Mother? Yes its for real. Yes its free. Email if you have questions.

I have studied under Screechowl and Vixen and I have a lot of experience. Massages last for at least 1 hour. The sacrifice takes only about 10 minutes. Some chanting is involved. Please feel free to email to ask questions, etc.

I have several choices of oil (lavender, Bergaamot Mint, and Myrtle Lemon), incense that while inspire high levels of eroticity, and Ray Best's “Celestial Touch” CD. I have edible body dusts that I can lick off you if you wish. Your choice. I have arousal balms for your nipples and genitals. I have a box of Franzia chilling in the fridge if you desire adult libations. Please be literate, attractive, and thin. I am for real. “Boundaries” is my middle name. Actually it is Matthew but I can bring you high levels of arousal while still respecting any boundaries you might have. Please don't have many boundaries.

I don't do this with just anyone. You must be hot. Please don't respond if you are overweight. The Great Mother would not accept the offering otherwise. I can be discrete if you want me to be. Talk to you later.

Forays into Craigslist

Sharing my VD with the lovelies of craigslist

What I think about Craigslist M4W

Youthful Millionaire Under 40

Perusing this part of cl is not necessarily why you are here

Dear Every Girl That Passes Me By On The Street

Super Premium Vanilla seeks Decadent Flavored Swirl

Lemmie Show it Off to YA

Anglo Version of Senator Bail Organa seeks his Breha Organa

Elitist WASP seeks Elitist WASP to Sneer at our Lessers, seriously

Bored in my Brain Surgeon class...wanna chat?

in Adams Morgan 73 inches average thick Michigan fella .. whenever

this may upset ppl with enormous man crushing gigantic breast

Just watch me dance the YMCA

Do you prefer smooth or chunky? (among other ponderables)

He said, "to all my plus size hoes i luv you big hoes lets start a flame, hit me you plus size diva!"

The only man in DC who cares only about sex

Michigander in DC. Whines. Holds his breath to get his way.

Darkly Sexual Poetry Dude Seeks His Muse

I'm the most hardcore fat-burning machine I can be. What about you?

Naughty Passive-Aggressive Marketer Seeks Horny Lawyer to Run My Life

George looking for his Martha

A highly specific and impossible request

It's a lot like life

Why no B-Day Sex is OK by me by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Where is my Sophie’s Choice???

Is It "Your" Vagina's Aroma

sexy + sexy = extreme sexamaliciousness

Let me help you help me

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

Ok, got it? Now, since I don’t have a "Submit This, Biatch!" button, you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handlethat?).

For the love of god somebody date my son!

I taught her how to love again

Coca-Cola® and Pop Rocks®

Unbind Me

DC Conservatives Spoil Max Thrust's "Wow" Moment

Easter by Mr. Banana Hammock (not Omari)

Max Thrust gets a new client

Max Thrust....and naked pictures...

Max Thrust, Self-Righteously Indignant

Max Thrust. Irritated.

10 Inches of Max Thrust

Max Thrust. Casual Tuesday.

Me? Max Thrust . Lobbyist for the Free Speech Coalition.

Meet Max Thrust

SWM wants two women

When's the last time you wanted to kiss this man?

Erotic Ouija

Seeking QUALITY relationship with QUALITY girl who shares VALUES

Mr. BananaHammock’s smoky glare can rejuvenate your vagina

Looking for girl who lives closer to my job so I can sleep in longer

I'd like to soil you. Or me. I can never get this one straight...

Christian Massage - Oil, Candles, Jars of Clay CD

Looking for my REAL DOLL™ who will do what I want SEXUALLY - Asian

Mr. Bananahammock says "Be my Valentine, Bitch!"

Single man seeking woman to practice his coitus skills on

36 Hours To Find My Mate

My weakness is your boobies

You Think You Got It Goin' Like A Turbo 'Vette?

FORMER ART HISTORIAN LOOKING TO HAVE FUN WITH BITCHES

END YOUR SEARCH TODAY! Superhomme D’Amour for Triple-X Throwdowns!

Attractive, athletic SWM seeks Sexy younger lady with awesome buttocks

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

Dinner on me?

Have I made it??

Let you help me out

So, you don't know what to say? Let me help you out:

OK, got it? Now, since you can't hit "Submit", you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle that?).

The way I see things....

Hi Sexy! I want to get Sexy with you!

Ladies Beware of Mr. BananaHammock

LOOKING TO PERFORM FOR A WOMAN

LOOKING TO PERFORM FOR A WOMAN (PERMALINK).

Eproctophiliac Seeks Taco Bell Date

NO HATERS!!!

Love Me Tender

Snippets of a Relationship - 2.0

How do this sound foxy womans............

Morning Fantasy Menu (Pick one)

i want to play poker with Jesus and his disciples

Ok, got it? Now, since I don’t have a "Submit This, Biatch!" button, you have to copy and paste this into your email. (can you handle
that?).